A Model of Success

(posted by t.j. peters)

Now I don’t know much about advertising, but I’ve picked up a couple things along the way.  For one, sex sells.  That’s why most ads are full of boobs and butts and stuff.  It’s awesome.   Injuries seem to work, too.  There’s nothing like a good groin shot or near fatal blow to the head to make you buy beer (the consumption of which often results in groin shots and near fatal blows to the head).  So, knowing these tactics to be true, I am completely baffled as to what LowerMyBills was thinking when they created the web ad below.

This ad – featuring a man that I’ll refer to as Earl – was on MSN’s weather page this afternoon.  Best I can tell, Earl is in his mid-seventies, suffers for some form of dementia, is possibly incontinent, and was completely unaware that his picture was being taken for this ad.  In addition, he’s the sexy, laugh-out-loud bait that will draw you in to using LowerMyBills’ services.

I can respect the reality that a company who wants to refinance your home isn’t looking to grab your attention with sex appeal or humor, but I don’t think they need to defy the rules of traditional advertising altogether by drafting the scariest geriatric patient they could find as their poster boy.  And if the idea is that Earl is supposed to represent the consumer – that I’m supposed to relate to this man – then LowerMyBills clearly doesn’t understand their own company.  That is not me.  That’s the old pile of bones I plan on throwing in a nursing home once he starts smelling like a bag of garbage and his house has been paid off (no financing necessary).

Though I’m berating LowerMyBills’ decision to use Earl, I don’t want to rule out the possibility of him working for another advertising campaign.  There’s value in Earl, and perhaps it’s just going to take the savvy eye of some adman to find where it lies.  It might be a controversial choice, but I think he could really be used by the company below.

Whoa, Earl.  You make me want to fuck.  And you make me want to do it safely.  There’s something about your vacant eyes and spinal problem that are completely irresistible.  Not to mention that face your making. . . it’s hilarious!  Looks like you just got hit in the nuts by a miscued billiards ball.  Hahaha!  You’ve got the gift, Earl, let me tell you!

Oh, wait.  That’s not raw sex appeal or comedic brilliance I’m seeing, is it?  You’re just dying, aren’t you?  Yeah, that’s not really making me want to use a Durex condom.  I think I’ll give Trojan a try.  At least they use sexy models.

My name is t.j. and this blog sells.

The Most Important Commercial Ever…

(posted by josh golden)

No. Uh Uh. *Folds his arms in protest* Not this time Will-I-Am! You got me once, but I’ll be damned if you fool me again!

I sat silently on my friends’ couch and endured the “Boost Mobile Shuffle” and even faked a chuckle when I saw that Kiss had turned a song they wrote about gratuitous sex thirty years ago into a viable ad for cherry Dr. pepper. Hell, I didn’t even flinch when a picture of Megan Fox acted as an EMP, putting down communication systems and killing people with mind blowing hotness, but then…then this happened.

Yeah that was Charles Manson and Timothy McVey. They even snuck in crafty Osama “The Prestige” Bin Laden, dropped in two major terrorist attacks, the struggle of the civil rights movement, the entire Vietnam War, Hurricane Katrina and Sponge Bob Square Pants. Then you see it, the thing that this has all been leading up to. A tiny portable television!

I get it: If I don’t buy this thing I’ll never be able to experience the often-tragic events that will shape my generation throughout the coming decades. But if you give me a Flo portable TV the only thing I am likely to “Experience” is the first season of True Blood while I sit in the Nordstrom’s shoe department becoming even more disconnected from the world around me thanks to the decadent electronics I love so much.

When it comes down to it I am asking for one simple thing: Do not raid archive.org, just to stir up every emotion, polarizing and uniting your audience only to cap it off with a tiny television. The end does not justify the means.

Also, maybe don’t show the civil rights marches, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King Jr., Rodney King and Barrack Obama before doing a huge reveal of Will-I-am. It’s not the same.

P.S. Flo TV, subliminal frames of possible burning crosses not such a super idea either.

My name is Josh, that is all.

The Saints March in February

(posted by ben axelrad)

With a roster full of castoffs in a town left to drown, the Saints of N’Orleans did the unthinkable and became Super Bowl Champions. I’ll now break down the X’s and O’s that made it possib…

We interrupt this message to fall asleep out of boredom and have awkward dreams. ***ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ Hrm, hrm, make the apple brown, Betty, make it brown! Hrm, hrm, not the thick switch, daddy! Hrm hrm, fart in that hole!*** HUH?! Where am I?! Why am I naked?! Who put sticky on my dickhole?! We now return you to your previously scheduled blog, already in progress.

…And that’s why the Saints won that football game. And I’ll never explain it again.

Here are a few scattered thoughts on yesterday:

Way too many players named Pierre in that game. One player named Pierre is too many. There were two. That’s WAY too many. I’m willing to allow celebration in the French Quarter, but let’s leave names like Pierre to snooty, punchable waiters and poodles.

My celebratory beverage of choice for Super Bowl XLIV was an XL IV of extra-strength cough syrup. It wasn’t until the third quarter that I realized I wasn’t in fact watching the Super Bowl and was watching a puddle of my drool form on the bathroom floor. Somehow the Saints were still winning.

Football and commercials, once a happy Super Bowl couple, are fighting for our love like divorced parents on Christmas. And even when one of them gives us a good gift the other tries to stick its name on the card. Don’t understand? Check out this commercial:

This commercial is cute, fairly funny, would make an appropriately long sequel to THE HANGOVER. Then the product-pimping final frame appears and we see:

The official tire of the NFL? Where are they hiding all these tires in the NFL? I’m gonna be a lot less impressed if I find out dudes are running 4.4 40’s thanks to high-performance radials from Bridgestone. Just ask NASCAR how I feel about sports that run on wheels. Incidentally, the official tire supplier of NASCAR is Goodyear. I don’t know what brand of pig skin they recommend. Chicharrón?

That’s all the Super Bowl XLIV coverage I have. Tune in tomorrow for the beginning of my Super Bowl XLV preview.

My name is Ben and I Bowled this.

It’s Friday and This is What We Do on Fridays

(posted by ben axelrad)

Ashton Kutcher hosts Saturday Night Live this week in promotion of his new movie…ah, who gives a shit? Somebody’s gettin’ PUUUUUNK’D! It’s us, the viewing audience. No, I don’t mean that. I don’t know why I’m acting so grouchy. Watch this preview while I pull my shit together.

Ashton Kutcher actually does a pretty good job as host and I’m sure this time will be no exception. Them Crooked Vultures I don’t know so well. I’ve heard them, they seem kind of noisy which makes me feel old and probably explains my earlier grouchiness. Because noise makes old people grouchy. Scientific fact.

A georgraphical fact is that if you live in Chicago, and many of my friends and readers do, you have the opportunity to see DERRICK Comedy’s fine film MYSTERY TEAM at the Music Box Theatre starting today. Do it, Chicago! DERRICK members at shows all weekend. Chitown, you’re the second city of comedy, show your muscle this weekend in support of good people and a funny film.

And one final piece of business, falling in the category of “If you don’t know, now you know.” A FENNIS FOR DEMBO, everyone’s favorite irreverent basketball blog is back up and running with a whole new look. Pop by this weekend and hollar at LA Dubbs and yours truly, BA Brokeass. C’mon y’all, Do the Dembo!

My name is Ben and I blogged this.

Facebook Doppelganger Week(s)

(posted by t.j. peters)

Lars and his real girl? Nope, it's Doppelganger t.j...and his real girl.

It’s finally here!  Clear your fucking schedules and put a mirror in front of your television set, cause it’s  time to figure out what celebrity you mildly resemble and let the world witness, profile-style!  That’s right!  It’s Facebook Doppelganger Weeeeeeeek!!!

Excuse me?  What do you mean Doppelganger Week already ended? . . .  Well I don’t care, I just fucking heard about it and want to put up a picture of Ryan Gosling from Lars and the Real Girl! . . . Yes, of course I’m growing out my mustache.  I want it to be accurate . . . Oh, whatever, like you make the rules, Mom!  I’m doing it, anyway . . . Yeah, love you, too.  Facebook forever.

It’s true, my mother and I end our telephone conversations with the phrase “Facebook forever”.  It’s an Irish thing.  Sign offs aside, this transcribed conversation brings up a very good point.  When the hell did Doppelganger Week begin and, in turn, when is it supposed to end?  For all I know it started off months ago in Mark Zuckerberg’s parents’ basement (where I assume he still lives despite his estimated two billion dollar net worth), and here I am looking like a boob wearing white after Labor Day, not because I’m not aware of the faux pas, but because I still think it’s fucking August!  We need some organization!  A calendar of some kind!

To iron the whole thing out, I contacted Mark Zuckerberg directly.  Though it took him nearly eight minutes to accept my friend request, he did respond to my query soon thereafter.  The message read:

Dear T.J.,

I’m very sorry for the confusion regarding Doppelganger Week.  I understand how frustrating it can be to sit on your hands while waiting for the internet’s painstakingly inefficient flow of information to travel.  It’s like the Pony Express, am I right?  Please allow me to clear things up.  First off, I’d just like to let you know that I really appreciate you participating in Doppelganger Week 2009, even though you were a little late.  (You DO look like that pervert Ryan Gosling!  OMG!)  It’s users like you that make me rich enough to own two Rolls Royces, yet keep me lame enough to park them in my parents’ driveway.  Looking to the future, I’m sure you’ll be glad to know that Doppelganger Week 2010 is right around the corner!  It officially begins on February 8 (this Monday) and ends at a month to be determined later.  Hope that gets you all caught up!

Facebook Forever,

Mark “Nerd” Zuckerberg

Mark Zuckerberg's profile picture during Doppelganger Week 2008.

My name is t.j. and you’re going to hear about his blog in my status.