Modern Abduction

The telephone rings and a man answers it.

MAN
Hello?
KIDNAPPER
We have your wife. If you ever wish to see her again you will do exactly as we tell you.
MAN
Of course, anything. Please, just don’t hurt her. Tell me what you want.
KIDNAPPER
Not now. You will receive a videotape detailing our list of demands.
MAN
Really? A videotape? Does it have to be a videotape?
KIDNAPPER
What do you mean? We kidnap your wife and then send you a videotape of her reading our list of demands, so you can see she’s unharmed and we can make a cool video. That’s how these things work.
MAN
I know, it’s just, who has a VCR set up still? I’m not even sure if I know where mine is. It might be in the garage, or the basement. It’s gonna require moving around a bunch of stuff.
KIDNAPPER
Don’t you want to see your wife again?
MAN
Of course, that’s a no-brainer! But I don’t know if we still have the VCR. So I might have to pop over to Best Buy for one, and in this economy who can justify a purchase like that just for one ransom video? So to get the best deal I’ll have to go on ebay, but that means I won’t have the thing for at least ten days, what with auction and shipping times.
KIDNAPPER
Sir, it’s only money. How can that compare to the safety of your wife?
MAN
Sure, easy for you to say. You’re the one who wants me to pay hard-earned dough just to have back something that I already had. Two things: My wife and a VCR.
KIDNAPPER
True, I guess I’m in no position to advise.
MAN
So I pay to get her back and now I’ve got to listen to her bitch about how we overspent on a ransom AND a VCR during a household spending freeze? No thanks. Incidentally, how much do you want for her?
KIDNAPPER
It will all be detailed in the video.
MAN
Couldn’t you just text me the list of demands? Wouldn’t that be easier for everyone?
KIDNAPPER
Then how will you know your wife is still alive?
MAN
Right, right. Hmmmm. I wish I was more tech-savvy. Could you, like, beam it to my Tivo?
KIDNAPPER
I don’t think Tivo works that way.
MAN
Alright. So I need a VCR. You know, this is really putting a damper on my Sunday. I’ve got to get dressed, go to the store, get laughed at for buying an antiquated technology, come back here, set it up, look for a video to test it. Oh! And the whole kidnapping thing! Do you guys still call it a kidnapping if it’s not a kid? How does that work?
KIDNAPPER
Semantically, I think kidnapping is an acceptable term. Though legally speaking, this may actually be an abduction.
MAN
I don’t want to say abduction. It makes it sound like aliens. Let’s call it wife swapping. You get my wife and I get a little peace and quiet around here! I kid, of course.
KIDNAPPER
You’re a strange man. sir.
MAN
I suppose it is the wrong time for jokes. So you can’t, maybe, post this whole video thing on the internet?
KIDNAPPER
No sir.
MAN
Fiiiiiine. I’m going. Call me on my cell phone?
KIDNAPPER
No sir.
MAN
Y’know, it wouldn’t hurt today’s kidnapper to beef up on technology a bit.
KIDNAPPER
When we get your money we will be sure to update our operation.
MAN
I walked right into that.

This is ransom weekend. Another post on the subject tonight or tomorrow.