Trains & Twilight: Jamie Kennedy Loves Love

For some reason I got all up in the gossip sites this weekend and now I need to share some of the things I’ve learned. Which, in turn, kind of makes this a gossip site. So don’t read that first line and think to yourself, “I would never visit a gossip site.” You’re at one, bitch.

Let’s dish, ladies!

My favorite story was the Jamie Kennedy-Jennifer Love Hewitt romance revelation. You can link to the whole article, but I am going to give you the best quotes, all taken from Jamie’s interview on the Ryan Seacrest radio show. After each one I will probably make snarky comments. I’m such a bitch!

“We have an intense connection,” he said. Making a Twilight reference, he added, “She’s my Bella. I don’t want to bite her neck, but I want her to live.”

This is a 38-year old man analogizing his new love to a teen vampire movie. The only thing worse than announcing your love to Ryan Seacrest on the radio is this quote. And she might be your Bella but you’re like her fourth Edward. You know who else thought she was his Bella? The fiance she JUST DUMPED to be with you. Next quote.

“[Hewitt is] so talented. She can sing, she can dance, she’s hilarious … and hot since she was, like, 9.”

Jamie Kennedy, that is sick and wrong. I’m glad you found yourself a nice song and dance gal, but hilarious? No, she is not. Oh, yeah, and tsk tsk about that whole hot since prepubescence thing. 

“I thought something would happen in my 40s. Hollywood makes us on our own train, and it’s like I have a co-conductor now.”

That doesn’t make any goddamn sense. “Hollywood makes us on our own train” is barely a sentence. So Hollywood made you on a train? And now you’re the conductor? How did JLH get there?

Jennifer Love Hewit, I have never wanted to do unspeakable things to your cleavage less. Leave this man immediately. She probably already did. I bet it happened right after that interview and this was the conversation:

JK
Hello my Love, did you hear me on the radio this morning?
JLH
I did. I thought we agreed we weren’t going to publicize our…situation.
JK
I know, but I’m so in love. I just want the whole world to know.
Don’t you want the whole world to know?
JLH
About that. Here’s the thing…
JK
Uh-oh. John Mayer warned me about this.
JLH
It’s just, I met this blogger from a site called ‘Poop or Chocolate’.
He told me I was his Rose from Titanic so I let him do
unspeakable things to my cleavage.
JK
But you’re my Bella!?
JLH
I know, but he offered me Rose. That’s an Oscar-nominated love.
Sure, your love was nice, it even grossed well domestically,
but his love is, well, titanic. Please tell me you understand.
JK
Seacrest is never gonna let me hear the end of this.
ME
(entering)
I hate you, Jamie Kennedy. You left your stink all over those titties.

END SCENE.

The other story that caught my attention involved the feud between Hannah Montana and Radiohead. I’m going to save that for its own post, though. I have too much to say about “Hannahead” and I can’t short-change it. I’ve never made you wait before. This will be good for you.

I would declare this “dish” week but then I would get commitment-phobic and bail. Let’s see what happens. Wow. You’re being really cool about this. Thanks.

In unrelated news, I did the dishes for the first time in several weeks and now the kitchen sink smells like hot barf. Not normal, tepid, totally livable barf. Like summertime pavement barf. That joke makes me laugh and then gag. The sign of a true classic.

My name is Ben and this blog is a cliff-hanger.