I’m Lost in Hollyweird

I’m setting foot outside today, and, if the coast is clear, the other foot will then follow it. Then me and my two feet are going to do some walking. Hollywood, here I come! I probably should’ve taken that attitude when I moved here seven months ago. Oh well, better late than never.

I’ll be back with a host of new fears, phobias, and social anxieties to discuss tomorrow. Until then, catch up on all the poop and chocolate this site has to offer!

The Sobering Truth about P!nk

Every now and then, while intraweb abrowsin’, Google and I wonder to ourselves, “What’s Pink up to?”

I like Pink: She’s spunky; a little off; seems like she’d have my back in a fight. This video for the song ‘Sober’ is what I found on today’s Pink search. It’s not brand new, but it’s brand new to me (I guess I haven’t had any Pink curiosities this year). Anyway, if you don’t want to watch the whole video, cue the tape to 2:20 and start from there.

Pink has sex with herself! I’ve watched it several times now, truthfully, out of sheer confusion. I would probably have sex with Pink. And I would definitely NOT have sex with myself. But if I was Pink, would I have sex with myself? If I was Pink, would I have sex with me? Who would be me if I was Pink? Pink? Would Pink be a better me than me? Am I tough enough to be Pink?

So many questions…and even more feelings. I’m turned on. But I’m also disturbed. And titillated. And afraid. And perplexed. And anxious. And woozy. And pizza.

It’s been a long time since I felt confusion the likes of which my penis could not power through. Remember when sexual thoughts used to cause an identity crisis? This video takes me back to those better times. Thank you, Pink, for the throwback to a bygone era of self-hatred. You are a freaky chick and a worthy competitor.

My name is Ben and I blogged these kudos.

It’s so cold in LA…

Like every other young hepcat, I like to start my day by putting on my good slippers and checking the weather channel. That doesn’t sound as youthful and hip as I thought it would. I’ve got it! Like every other young hepcat, I like to start my day by putting on my naughty slippers and masturbating to the weather channel. “I feel a warm front coming on, too!”

I have only lived here in Los Angeles for about seven months, so I cannot say for certain what the weather should be like, but I feel totally comfortable saying it shouldn’t be like this. May is but days away and I struggle to type this through my constant shivers. Could I be shaking because I just quit heroine cold turkey? Possibly. Could it be because I haven’t eaten anything but sand for three days? Not out of the question. But I think I’m shivering because it is FUCKING COLD OUTSIDE.

This is LA, goddamnit. Why are we putting up with this? Last week we had two days where the temperature approached 100 and since then, nothing but 60. The rest of the country doesn’t understand California weather; 60 sounds great in Detroit. 60 feels great in Detroit. LA 60 feels like Detroit 40: Just cold enough to make you angry. How the fuck is we sposed to keep peace?!

Seriously, it’s like getting ass-fucked by the air. If I wanted to keep getting ass fucked, I would’ve stayed in maximum security federal prison.

Okay, maximum security may have been a stretch. They weren’t up in our shit all the time.

Maybe it wasn’t exactly prison, but it was still a really tough jail.

Not the toughest jail, but jail is jail, y’all.

Alright, jail is a specific term that may not 100% apply. The incarceration chamber where I was…detention center…holding cell? FINE. It was mall security! If I wanted to keep getting ass fucked I would’ve stayed in mall security! Are you happy now?!

Why was I getting ass fucked at the mall? Protection, that’s why. You become a big dude’s bitch and the the chicks at Hot Topic don’t give you any guff. Guy at the pretzel stand remembers you on free sample day. What?! I stand by my decision. You guys are dicks.

My name is Ben, I blogged this, and I regret nothing.

The Captain’s BLog

1:56pm – Eat yogurt with fork out of laziness and filth.

1:58pm – Consider lifestyle changes.

2:00pm – Ooooh. Wife Swap is on.

2:02pm – Search immediate viscinity for yogurt fork.

2:04pm - Discontinue search for yogurt fork.

2:06pm – Attempt to drink yogurt, resulting in shirt-specific mess.

2:08pm – Attempt to lick shirt clean.

2:10pm – Remove shirt.

2:12pm – Resume attempting to lick shirt clean.

2:14pm – Throw shirt in the direction of hamper.

2:16pm – Put down yogurt.

3 weeks later – Find yogurt.

2 minutes later – Barf.

My name is Ben and I am captain of this blog.

Auto-Tune the News 2

Second Auto-tuned news video from Schmoyo. The first one was a great idea, this one is a great video!