Searching for Applewood

Quick question or four: What in the name of Bacon (when God comes to earth he takes the form of bacon) is an Applewood? Is it an awesome thing on which you smoke bacon? Is it a place where bacon is awesome? Is it an awesome part of wood or pig? Not even the Great and Powerful Oz we call internet can tell me, which means no one knows. Because if you do know and you’re keeping that information to yourself, after all the internet has done for you, what is your bacon-damn problem?! Stop hoarding bacon information! It’s unbaconly of you.

I only ask these questions because this Applewood smoking process is getting so much attention lately, NOT because I think bacon needs improving. I’ve certainly never said to myself, “When is bacon gonna get with the times? You’re living in the Dark Ages, bacon!” Bacon is probably the one piece of equipment around the house I’ve never thought to upgrade. Perfect or not, bacon is a really great gift we’ve been given. Asking for an upgrade feels like complaining about Playoff seats or critiquing pornography. It just means you’ve had too much of a good thing. Don’t get me wrong, I’m down with the Applewood movement, but honestly, between you and me, I can’t differentiate it from when “Thick-Cut” or “Center-Sliced” were all the rage. It’s thick slices of God, how is a secondary name going to improve that?

Ah, the salad days of Thick-Cut bacon. It went great with salad. Made it taste so much less like salad. I used to order a salad with bacon, lettuce, and tomato, plus a side of toast. Then I’d take the bacon, lettuce, and tomato and place them on the toast with some mayonnaise. In honor of the bacon on the sandwich I called it a “BLT,” for Ben’s Loving Tribute. My idea seems to have caught on, because you can order it as delis and diners everywhere now. Never received one dime for my creation. I don’t complain though, it was made as a tribute.

I love you bacon, just the way you are.

My name is Ben and I blogged this.