Baby Cola, Baby

Cola for Babies

No question about it: Those tiny twelve-ounce Coke bottles are the worst thing ever. And yes, I’m fully aware of the Holocaust and that tsunami thing and the re-make of The Birdcage. Worse than all three atop a 7-Grain cracker in which two of the grains are AIDS.

First of all, the bottle looks like a chode penis. Women, it probably makes your vaginae cringe. Men, it likely makes your peni growl. Don’t you just wanna punch it in the face for no reason? I know, me too! It’s the whiny, high-pitched Jewy guy in front of you at the bank…of penis-like Coke bottles.

And it tastes funny, too; flat from the moment it hits the bottle, like it was born dead. 12-Ounce bottles are where they store their Coca Cola miscarriages.

“But it’s nice to have the cap, in case you don’t finish.” Bullshit. If you can’t finish a chode-penis-worth of Coke, go back to drinking breast milk, baby! Was that harsh? Go back to drinking breast milk, baby!

Remember these tiny Coke bottles?

They were awesome because they’re made of glass, so you could use them to bludgeon anyone cruel enough to offer you only a sip of soda when you asked for a whole beverage.

This post is both aggressive and foul!

Speaking of Coke bottles: Have you heard Trey Songz’ that’s-so-stupid-I-can’t-stop-singing-it song “LOL Smiley Face”? You must’ve heard it by now. Here’s the chorus, just in case:

“Go to my page and follow and if you’ve got a body like a Coke bottle…” Here is a picture of a bunch of Coke bottles (and one Coke can ’cause I don’t discriminate (except against gypies (baby-stealing bastards))):

Do any of them resemble bodies you’d like to canoodle? No! Especially not the 2-Liter, which resembles a body achieved by drinking a lot of 2-Liters. But check out the broad shoulders on that 20-Ounce. Is that a Coke bottle or Serena Williams? Hey Mommy, I like the way you’re built!

Okay, this joke has gone far enough. I already drink enough Coke without letting it turn into a fetish.

My name is Ben and I blogged this.