Trackin’ & Slackin’

You can order Domino’s Pizza Tracker using your Tivo now. What a fun new fact. Unfortunately, the rest of this post is not about new Domino’s fun facts. Instead, it’s about the unfun new facts you might find out about your pizza preparer when you order using the Tracker.

I “confirmed order” on my pizza and not two minutes passed before Samir had placed that sucker in the oven. Way to go Samir!

Eight  meltificating and crispenifying minutes later Ahmed was relocating my meal to its box for the Quality Check to Ensure Deliciousness.

One minute after that Fahir was en route to my tummy. Way to go, Fahir!

You notice who didn’t get a “Way to go?” Ahmed. Less than a minute for Quality Check? Did you even bother to Ensure Deliciousness? What the fuck, Ahmed?

The Pizza Tracker does not ensure deliciousness. It ensures timeliness. And in this case indicated laziness. Which is the opposite of Godliness. And brought out my Goddamnliness. Granted, it was a small slice of slight, but it was the first time the Pizza Tracker had ever slighted me even slightly. The pizza actually was delicious. But I couldn’t help feeling it could’ve been deliciouser.

It’s true: Every pizza ever ordered could’ve been deliciouser. But it’s rare you know who to blame for that unreached potential. I know what you did, Ahmed. You’re the Creed Bratton of Domino’s Pizza and I will hunt you down. For I am the Pizza Tracker Tracker, and that’s kinda what I do. If I don’t find you in thirty minutes or less, though, you get off scot-free. That’s one of the two Pizza Tracker Tracker guarantees. The other guarantee: I definitely won’t find you.

My name is Ben and I blogged this.