My Penis Has a Case of the Mondays

I just clicked on this video titled “Jessica Alba getting spanked,” because that’s what you do when you have a decision-making penis. I thought it would be sexy: Light, sensual hand slaps followed by tight gluteal close-ups, interspersed with spanking banter, like:

SPANKER
I’m gonna get you.
ALBA
Please don’t get me.
SPANKER
I’m gonna get you.
ALBA
Please don’t get me.
SPANKER
I’m gonna get you.
ALBA
Please don’t get me.
SPANKER
You’re baaaaaad.
ALBA
Yes, I’m baaaaad.
SPANKER
Ooooooooh.
ALBA
Aaaaaaaah.

Y’know, like when our moms used to spank us. Decison-making penises beware! You get none of that! You get plenty of violent belt whaps; one close-up of Alba’s bruised, welted buttocks; and a lot of close-ups of her spanker’s deranged face. Just like when dad used to spank us! There is interstitial spanking chatter, but it’s unfit for print. Not because I won’t write graphic dialogue, but because I don’t know how to spell out the sounds of unadulterated shrieking.

And then, just as decision-making penis is acknowledging the error in judgment and crawling back into his cave, passionate sex happens. Previous erection is unprepared for this. It sort of feels like tailgating before your team’s big game, followed by your squad totally tanking under pressure for 3/4 of the contest, only to rally for a victory after you’ve given up hope and left the arena.

That’s what it figuratively feels like. Literally, it feels like having an inverted boner.

My name is Ben and I blogged this.