Stranded!

I’ve been thinking about which three celebrities to be stranded on a desert island with today. My first thought was the three Jessicas – Biel, Alba, and Rabbit – for the obvious reason. Sex. Sex is the obvious reason. I can’t believe you thought I meant acting. Have you seen those chicks act? SEX!

Upon further reflection, though, that might not be smart. Maybe it’s too pragmatic for a fantasy, but c’mon, even stranded on desert island waiting to die, the three Jessicas aren’t having sex with me. It would go exactly like this:

BEN
Jessica Alba, would you like to make sweet desert
love with the only man you’ll ever see again?
ALBA
Who? You? No. Gross.
BEN
What about you, Miss Rabbit?
RABBIT
(Sexily)
Nooooo. I’m busy sending out an S…O…S.
BEN
When you say it all sexy like that it just makes
me hornier.
RABBIT
(Sexily)
Sorry, bad sailor.
BEN
What about you, Jessica Biel?
BIEL
I’m building a raft trying to save us.
BEN
Well at least you’re putting those muscles to use.
I guess if you need anything I’ll be over by that
barren coconut tree masturbating.
BIEL
Actually, it would help if you…
BEN
YES?!
BIEL
I was going to say tie together logs. Jesus, man.
Put your pants back on.
BEN
Sorry, I just thought…
ALBA
This is a desert island not an Ecstasy tank. We’re
still us and you’re still you.
BEN
You’re right, I apologize. Maybe just a quicky handjob
for motivation?
3 JESSICAS
No!!!

So here’s my current thinking: Sure, I could spend a couple weeks NOT making sweet desert love to the three Jessicas before starvation and dehydration have sapped me of sexual desire and precious fluids anyway; OR I could not have sex with two Jessicas and trade one in – Biel’s muscular physique IS a bit cartoonish – for one television survival expert who can rescue and return me to the civilized world where normal girls with names besides Jessica won’t have sex with me. Much smarter.

Who do you peg for a smaller penis: Bear Grylls or Survivorman? This is already Emasculation Island, I’m not trying to get alpha dogged.

My name is Ben and I blogged this.