Carmen, C’Mon!!!

There’s this preview of a soon-to-be-released Carmen Electra sex tape floating around the internet sites today – Because apparently sex tapes have trailers now. I’m posting it here because it’s relatively harmless and most likely won’t get you fired for viewing at work. It’s just a little strip tease; some light girl-on-girl makeout; nothing TOO erotic. But if you get either horny or angry watching awful women being awful it’s probably NSFW to you.

If I wanted to see Carmen Electra have sex I would have sex with Carmen Electra. She’s not unattainable. Hell, she seems affordable!  Six McNuggets and a compliment could get the job done. What? You don’t know the McNugget test? I better school you.

If a woman will sleep with you for a four-piece McDonald’s Chicken McNuggets that woman is a homeless prostitute and you just paid for sex with deep-fried chicken parts. DON’T DO IT. The sex is mediocre and the next morning it’ll burn to pee. Six McNuggets, you’re dealing with your garden-variety amateur tramp. Sleep with her, but know she’s gonna waste most of the time talking about being Carmen Electra. Nine-piece Nuggeteers know the value of their pussies and aren’t afraid to exploit them. Those girls are keepers. And any girl who downs twenty McNugs? SEND THAT BIG GIRL BACK! Shoulda brought her to a salad bar.

Joking aside, taking a date to McDonald’s says way more about you than it ever could about her.

Moving on. Celebrity sex tapes are only enticing when the celebrity doesn’t essentially make sex tapes for a living. Have you ever seen a Carmen Electra movie that wasn’t borderline pornography? No, for two reasons: Because all she makes are almost-pornos AND you’ve never seen any of them. You have discerning tastes and when you see her name on the box at your local video store you put it down and rent either a real movie or a real porno. It’s one of the things I respect about you.

We all love it when good girls go bad. Bad girls going worse, that’s just a cry for help. And if I’m watching a video of a bad girl’s cry for help, she better literally be crying “HELP!” Celebrity snuff, it’s coming. And so am I.

Too far, blogger. Toooooooo far.

My name is Ben and I blogged this.