“I’m going to eat you,” he pronounced in raspy, slurred English. “I’m going to eat you and your family.” As far as we knew, those were the only words Adam (or Aaron, or whatever . . . it really doesn’t matter cause that dude was fucking crazy) was capable of speaking. At one point he asked me for a lighter, but as I recall he did so using a series of hand gestures and indecipherable grunts. Verbalized or not, it turned out he actually needed a cigarette, which I promptly gave to obtain amnesty in the event that he grew hungry for me and my loved ones.
After the seven hour drive that included rural routes, Roman candles, unexpected snowfall, and Disney sing-a-longs, the Sketchfest trip officially began at the International Sports Club, which is where I met up with The Midnight Show and, eventually, the above referenced Dr. Lecter. The night had many high points, I must say, most of which were strange and depraved for various reasons. And surprisingly, “I’m going to eat you” guy wasn’t the creepiest individual encountered. The following scenario was told to me by Hal and Joe of The Midnight Show, which I’ll translate in language simple enough for a monosyllabic cannibal to understand:
Man masturbates in street. Hal and Joe view from afar. Man shows no signs of stopping. Hal and Joe appreciate man’s commitment. Man is interrupted by very rude pedestrians. Hal and Joe wonder if it’s a citizens’ arrest. Man discovers that citizens are police officers. Hal and Joe feel bad for man. Man feels very arrested.
Just to clarify, that’s a story about a man openly masturbating on the sidewalk. In theory, he was walking along, possibly to or from home (our witnesses claim he didn’t appear to be homeless), and thought to himself, “Here’s good.” Then he masturbated. So there’s that story.
I’d like to think that as I continue to report on this weekend there won’t be any more anecdotes involving threats to my life or public indecency, but that’s obviously a pipe dream. Might as well openly disrespect inevitability and propose a bold toast with my Day Two one o’clock cocktail: Here’s to nothing even remotely weird happening for the rest of the trip! Try me, San Francisco.
My name is t.j. and this blog is parked in SF.
♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦
Tickets are still available for The Midnight Show on Friday (featuring John Ennis, Mr. Show) and Saturday (featuring Trevor Moore, The Whitest Kids U’ Know). Make it happen.
This was the plan: Eleven students line up in order wearing singularly-lettered tee-shirts that spell out the phrase “CLASS OF 2010″ for the Senior class photo at Cypress Ridge High School in Houston, Texas.
This is what actually happened: Eleven students lined up in order wearing singularly-lettered tee-shirts that spelled out the phrase “CLASS OF 2010″ for the Senior class photo at Cypress Ridge High School in Houston, Texas. Then “C” and “L” bolted.
Let’s do the subtraction: CLASS OF 2010 – C = LASS OF 2010 – L = WHOA! Did y’all see what just happened? That spells ASS! “C” and “L” should surely be punished for this, right?
Wrong. “A,” “S,” and “S” were punished; suspended three days each and fined 135 bones for simply standing their ground on picture day. A lot of people disagree with their punishment, but in my mind their complacence was an equally offensive crime. If there’s one thing the Cypress Ridge High School Class of 2010 was taught it’s that when you assume you make an ass out of u and me and other “S.” Once “C” and “L” left it was up to the others to adapt. Several anagrams became available, choose one. We could’ve seen “SOFAS 2010″ or “SS OAF 2010″ or even something that doesn’t make PERFECT logical sense. But “A,” “S,” and “S” just stood there, looking like the ASS OF 2010. Punishment deserved, asses!
Still, a small group of students disagree with me and the Cypress Ridge School Board. Those dissenters, along with the three punished students, lined up outside the Administration Building in protest wearing singularly-lettered tee-shirts that spelled out the word, “PATSIES.” But when the going got tough the students wearing letters “P,” “T,” “I,” and “E” got scared and took off, leaving “ASS” totally exposed again. Double punishment deserved, double asses!
You’re probably wondering what happened to ol’ “C” and “L,” idn’tcha? Well, “L” became a fella called Lewis and “C,” he went by the name of Clark, and what happened next for them is a little story called the Louisiana Purchase. But that there’s a tale for another day, chirren.
My name is Ben and I…wait, WHAT?!