It’s Friday and This is What We Do on Fridays

(posted by ben axelrad)

Ashton Kutcher hosts Saturday Night Live this week in promotion of his new movie…ah, who gives a shit? Somebody’s gettin’ PUUUUUNK’D! It’s us, the viewing audience. No, I don’t mean that. I don’t know why I’m acting so grouchy. Watch this preview while I pull my shit together.

Ashton Kutcher actually does a pretty good job as host and I’m sure this time will be no exception. Them Crooked Vultures I don’t know so well. I’ve heard them, they seem kind of noisy which makes me feel old and probably explains my earlier grouchiness. Because noise makes old people grouchy. Scientific fact.

A georgraphical fact is that if you live in Chicago, and many of my friends and readers do, you have the opportunity to see DERRICK Comedy’s fine film MYSTERY TEAM at the Music Box Theatre starting today. Do it, Chicago! DERRICK members at shows all weekend. Chitown, you’re the second city of comedy, show your muscle this weekend in support of good people and a funny film.

And one final piece of business, falling in the category of “If you don’t know, now you know.” A FENNIS FOR DEMBO, everyone’s favorite irreverent basketball blog is back up and running with a whole new look. Pop by this weekend and hollar at LA Dubbs and yours truly, BA Brokeass. C’mon y’all, Do the Dembo!

My name is Ben and I blogged this.

Facebook Doppelganger Week(s)

(posted by t.j. peters)

Lars and his real girl? Nope, it's Doppelganger t.j...and his real girl.

It’s finally here!  Clear your fucking schedules and put a mirror in front of your television set, cause it’s  time to figure out what celebrity you mildly resemble and let the world witness, profile-style!  That’s right!  It’s Facebook Doppelganger Weeeeeeeek!!!

Excuse me?  What do you mean Doppelganger Week already ended? . . .  Well I don’t care, I just fucking heard about it and want to put up a picture of Ryan Gosling from Lars and the Real Girl! . . . Yes, of course I’m growing out my mustache.  I want it to be accurate . . . Oh, whatever, like you make the rules, Mom!  I’m doing it, anyway . . . Yeah, love you, too.  Facebook forever.

It’s true, my mother and I end our telephone conversations with the phrase “Facebook forever”.  It’s an Irish thing.  Sign offs aside, this transcribed conversation brings up a very good point.  When the hell did Doppelganger Week begin and, in turn, when is it supposed to end?  For all I know it started off months ago in Mark Zuckerberg’s parents’ basement (where I assume he still lives despite his estimated two billion dollar net worth), and here I am looking like a boob wearing white after Labor Day, not because I’m not aware of the faux pas, but because I still think it’s fucking August!  We need some organization!  A calendar of some kind!

To iron the whole thing out, I contacted Mark Zuckerberg directly.  Though it took him nearly eight minutes to accept my friend request, he did respond to my query soon thereafter.  The message read:

Dear T.J.,

I’m very sorry for the confusion regarding Doppelganger Week.  I understand how frustrating it can be to sit on your hands while waiting for the internet’s painstakingly inefficient flow of information to travel.  It’s like the Pony Express, am I right?  Please allow me to clear things up.  First off, I’d just like to let you know that I really appreciate you participating in Doppelganger Week 2009, even though you were a little late.  (You DO look like that pervert Ryan Gosling!  OMG!)  It’s users like you that make me rich enough to own two Rolls Royces, yet keep me lame enough to park them in my parents’ driveway.  Looking to the future, I’m sure you’ll be glad to know that Doppelganger Week 2010 is right around the corner!  It officially begins on February 8 (this Monday) and ends at a month to be determined later.  Hope that gets you all caught up!

Facebook Forever,

Mark “Nerd” Zuckerberg

Mark Zuckerberg's profile picture during Doppelganger Week 2008.

My name is t.j. and you’re going to hear about his blog in my status.

Bring Your Daughter to War Day

(posted by josh golden)

Yeah, that ain’t bad kid. But I saw an eight year-old in Kenya who did it in twenty-three seconds, and that was in the heat of battle! Sure, he was on a steady diet of cocaine and gunpowder mixed into Coco Puffs, but he’s not the one on trial here. Dads, please approach the bench.

Is this a selection of fathers who want to teach their daughters how to protect themselves?

Is this radical feminism?

Wasn’t there a scene in Forrest Gump just like this?

Holy shit! Is this an international trend!?

Chilling, just chilling.

Fathers, there has never been an abduction or assault on a young child that could have been prevented if only someone would have known how to properly and quickly break down their military-issued assault rifle, clean it and reassemble it before performing a function check.

I applaud progressive parenting in most cases but these are impostors. Just because you take a Barbie out of a little girl’s hands and replace it with a gas-operated AR-15 does not mean you are blurring the lines in the battle of the sexes. All you have done is trained your daughters in preparation to join nineteen year old girls across the states (southern), field stripping, reassembling and firing guns, in bikinis.

I get it: It’s impossible to get that world record with those large sausage fingers you got. If only there was someone in your family with small dexterous hands that could handle the intricacies of a firing mechanism. But Dads, I find you guilty of vicariously living through your children and putting high powered weapons in the hands of a fucking eleven year old. What are you thinking!? I sentence you to death by little girl firing squad. Don’t worry; it will take under a minute.

My name is Josh and I am going to go watch The Professional.