Work From Cell

(posted by ben axelrad)

While perusing the Office Depot website in search of answers to questions of the frequently-asked variety I discovered this gem, the fourth most FAQ on the site:

Q) I’d like to have an order shipped to a relative/friend that is incarcerated. Am I able to place this type of order on your website?

I won’t bore you with the longform answer. The short answer is “No, you need to call a store for that.” And with that I present to you another installment of Blog Theatre. Enjoy!

JANICE
Home Depot, this is Janice, how may I help you?

DOOKIE
Yo Janice, this is Dookie. Y’all deliver to prison?

JANICE
Excuse me?

DOOKIE
Prison. I need some office supplies shipped to prison.

JANICE
Okay…what would you like to order?

DOOKIE
Alright, I’m gonna need a bunch of files.

JANICE
Like file folders?

DOOKIE
No, not like that…but yeah, they got nice edges, sure,
throw some of them in. Tell me, what do you have
in your Sharp Things Department?

JANICE
We don’t have a Sharp Things Department.

DOOKIE
What about guns?

JANICE
Handguns?

DOOKIE
No, not handguns. Like, tape guns. In case Scoobie
needs to send a package or something.

JANICE
Yes, we have those.

DOOKIE
Okay, what about staple guns? In case Scoobie
be building some shit.

JANICE
Yes, we have those too.

DOOKIE
Good, good. What about handguns?

JANICE
What constructive thing would he be doing with a handgun?

DOOKIE
Oh, that’s not for Scoobie. One of the guards asked him to order it.
Scoobie is a rightfully incarcerated man, what would
he need with a firearm, Janice?

JANICE
I don’t know. We don’t carry handguns.

DOOKIE
Alright. Let’s talk about your Really Blunt Objects Department.

JANICE
We don’t have one of those either. We don’t have
a lot of potential weapons in our catalog.

DOOKIE
Weapons? Who said anything about weapons?

JANICE
C’mon, sir.

DOOKIE
You right. I can’t fool you, Janice. Alright, let’s think outside
the box here…OR, maybe we should be thinking
inside the box. Y’all sell packing materials right?

JANICE
Yessir.

DOOKIE
Alright, I’m gonna need a box.

JANICE
How big?

DOOKIE
About 6 foot 2. Needs to hold at least 180 pounds.

JANICE
Are you planning on having your friend shipped to you from prison?

DOOKIE
Naw, that’ll never work. Send these items to me. I’m gonna
have myself shipped INTO prison with handguns and
sharp things and really blunt objects. Then Scoobie
gonna make all those guards feel his wrath. When Scoobie
feels pain the whole world feels pain. He’s gonna show
them why the prosecutor called him the Angel of Death;
the angriest, scariest, most torturous man on the planet.

JANICE
That sounds epic. So cancel the prison shipment then?

DOOKIE
Naw, send Scoobie a pen and a notebook or something.
That cat needs to learn to express his feelings better.

THE END

My name is Ben and I blogged this.