We’re in a Pickle

(posted by ben axelrad)

I'm With Pickle

In case you haven’t heard, the pickle beat Nickelback. In case you haven’t heard because you don’t know what I’m talking about, a Facebook page was established to see who could reach a million fans first: Canadian cheese rockers Nickelback or a plain ol’ pickle. I guess the pickle winning is great because fuck Nickelback, but now were stuck with this pickle.

Sure, the pickle seems great because it represents seeds of change in a political landscape desperate for soil transplant, but the reality is change cannot be brought about by a single pi…I’m sorry, I’m confusing the pickle with Barrack Obama. Also, who’s Nickleback?

Still, it’d be nice to hear the pickle’s exit strategy for the Middle East.

My name is Ben and I tickle the pickle of blogdom.

History Shmistory…

(posted by josh golden)

Growing up with ADD you learn one thing: Nothing. That is, unless it’s coming from your television. I used to sit studying (watching) the history channel for hours, and trust me that shit paid off. I was building Civil War replica cannons out of moldy firewood in my backyard before I was ten. The Battle of Bull Run? That shit was my jam.

I used to be so smart, but ever since I got rid of my cable I  feel stupid. Panicked, I run to the nearest sports bar and demand their remote. I turn to my old friend the History Channel praying that I can make up for all that lost time, and this is what I see:

Apparently the history channel also lost their cable subscription because they have gone straight retarded. Why are Ben and Jerry on a sailboat on the surface of the sun? That is not history. That never happened and I promise that it never will, which makes it fantasy. Put it on the damn Sci-fi channel. Betrayed, I check my listings, and I see it: Axe Men, Jurassic Fight Club, Pawn Star, and a show actually called Dogfights. The History Channel has run out of history!

Deforestation is far from history; the first rule of Jurassic fight club is, it never fucking happened; pawnshops are where history is turned into drug money; and dogfights … dogfights?

I feel sorry for the kids that so eagerly entrust their brains to the History Channel today, only to be stabbed right in the chest by a horrible bloated stoner who values education less then he does setting aside a decent budget for green screening a sailboat on the sun.

When I was a kid, the History Channel looked like this:

And you knew you could trust him.

My name is Josh “Fort Sumter” Golden, signing off.