Mel Is the New Old Face of Everything

(posted by ben axelrad)

Hey, t.j.’s old pal Mel (old describes the person, not the friendship) is pulling double duty hocking wares for classesUSA also!

It’s time we stop witch-hunting the clearly upstanding people at LowerMyBills.com and focus on the real culprits: These old bastards selling their souls to the devil called viral marketing. Mel, I question your advertorial integrity. *Gasp* if you want, motherfuckers, I said it.

When I heard he needed to consolidate his debt I believed it, because he is ancient and has outlived even the best intentions of the Social Security Administration by a quarter century. Slow death leaves old folks penniless, so debt consolidation matters to Mel and his fellow hangers-on.

But financial aid? That’s a young man’s game, Melonius. You can’t afford to finish your degree less because of the money and more because thinking too hard could cause your dusty brain to explode like old dynamite (dibs on old dynamite as a nickname for my penis). Furthermore, this advertisement is civically irresponsible. The higher education system is badly over-populated and in desperate need of re-conceptualization as a parametric equation, particularly as regards non-viole … I’m thinking of the prison system, aren’t I? Scratch that last point then. Just focus on the part about Mel dying from extra thoughts.

I’m about to coin a term for ads like these that will undoubtedly sweep the nation and win several awards for blog genius. That term is … wait for it … hey, where are you going? I said wai … Alright, I’ll tell you! It’s “Mousetraps.” The term is “Mousetraps.” Get it? The advertisement is the trap, Mel is the cheese, and your mouse is the mouse (convenient, huh?). The mouse runs over the cheese and gets caught in the trap. Only a fool with the brains of a mouse gets caught in a mousetrap, literal or figurative. Though a mouse-brained fool might actually benefit from a clickable advertisement about additional schooling so maybe the ends justify the means.

The moral of the metaphor? We may qualify for a grant to go back to school, y’all!

And that’s the story of how I re-enrolled in college.

Thanks, Josh, for putting together this picture for me. I’ll pay you in debt consolidation. Hey, Mel ain’t the only one trying to pay some bills.

My name is Ben and I’m broke.