Drugs are for Losters
(posted by ben axelrad)
Coming at you a day late with my weekly LOST coverage ’cause T.J. hogged the site yesterday with his awesome interview. I’m glad you wrote an excellent post dude, but the rest of us need to use the internet too.
Anyhoo . . . LOST!
Of all the seeming impossibilities made prosaic on LOST, none seems more far-fetched to me than anyone following Hurley anywhere that didn’t have a snack bar or a water bong. Hurley found weed on that island, right? No one could stay that dumb, calm, and hungry without cannabinoids.
Speaking of drugs on the island, I bet after three years people are starting to get pissed all Charlie’s heroine burned up. I would’ve been pissed after three hours. This ain’t NA, bitch, we’re stranded on an inescapable island and you just torched our only artifice of escapism. If I was there this is how it would’ve gone down:
ME
Charlie, did you find heroine?
CHARLIE
Uhhhh…Nooooooo. This isn’t heroine.
ME
Cut the crap, dude. That’s heroine.
CHARLIE
Fine. But don’t tell anyone.
ME
I’m telling EVERYONE. Hey everyone!
Charlie found heroine! Let’s all do heroine.
CHARLIE
They don’t do heroine.
ME
I don’t either. But this is the worst situation
ever and rumor has it that’s the best shit ever.
I think we’ll make an exception.
EVERYONE, COME QUICK!
CHARLIE
Shhhh! You’re going to get me in trouble.
I’m a recovering addict.
ME
Dude, no one cares about your stupid addiction.
One, we only met your junkie ass like a week ago.
And two, we just fucking plane-crashed on an
island they’re NEVER gonna find. You think
Hurley’s counting calories or Shannon’s working
on being less of a giant twat? No.
“Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em,” brother.
CHARLIE
But I had a real problem with the stuff.
ME
Yeah, well you have a few real problems now too.
And most of them won’t get you high as shit.
Try catching a buzz off that homicidal billow of
anthropomorphic black smoke.
CHARLIE
I guess you’re right. Let’s do some heroine.
ME
After this we should try my addiction.
CHARLIE
Oh yeah? What’s that?
ME
Masturbating to tropical polar bears.
CHARLIE
Uh…
ME
Don’t judge me, junkie.
CHARLIE
Fair enough.
ME
This island is magical.
THE END
We all know the island cures everything except death, and apparently heroine addiction. So that means either heroine addiction is as bad as death or the island condones it. I mean, am I wrong? Probably.
Don’t do drugs, kids. Unless you’re stranded with me on an island. Or in a prison. Or at a somewhat long stop light.
My name is Ben and LOST is my drug of choice (as are drugs).
Work From Cell
(posted by ben axelrad)
While perusing the Office Depot website in search of answers to questions of the frequently-asked variety I discovered this gem, the fourth most FAQ on the site:
Q) I’d like to have an order shipped to a relative/friend that is incarcerated. Am I able to place this type of order on your website?
I won’t bore you with the longform answer. The short answer is “No, you need to call a store for that.” And with that I present to you another installment of Blog Theatre. Enjoy!
JANICE
Home Depot, this is Janice, how may I help you?
DOOKIE
Yo Janice, this is Dookie. Y’all deliver to prison?
JANICE
Excuse me?
DOOKIE
Prison. I need some office supplies shipped to prison.
JANICE
Okay…what would you like to order?
DOOKIE
Alright, I’m gonna need a bunch of files.
JANICE
Like file folders?
DOOKIE
No, not like that…but yeah, they got nice edges, sure,
throw some of them in. Tell me, what do you have
in your Sharp Things Department?
JANICE
We don’t have a Sharp Things Department.
DOOKIE
What about guns?
JANICE
Handguns?
DOOKIE
No, not handguns. Like, tape guns. In case Scoobie
needs to send a package or something.
JANICE
Yes, we have those.
DOOKIE
Okay, what about staple guns? In case Scoobie
be building some shit.
JANICE
Yes, we have those too.
DOOKIE
Good, good. What about handguns?
JANICE
What constructive thing would he be doing with a handgun?
DOOKIE
Oh, that’s not for Scoobie. One of the guards asked him to order it.
Scoobie is a rightfully incarcerated man, what would
he need with a firearm, Janice?
JANICE
I don’t know. We don’t carry handguns.
DOOKIE
Alright. Let’s talk about your Really Blunt Objects Department.
JANICE
We don’t have one of those either. We don’t have
a lot of potential weapons in our catalog.
DOOKIE
Weapons? Who said anything about weapons?
JANICE
C’mon, sir.
DOOKIE
You right. I can’t fool you, Janice. Alright, let’s think outside
the box here…OR, maybe we should be thinking
inside the box. Y’all sell packing materials right?
JANICE
Yessir.
DOOKIE
Alright, I’m gonna need a box.
JANICE
How big?
DOOKIE
About 6 foot 2. Needs to hold at least 180 pounds.
JANICE
Are you planning on having your friend shipped to you from prison?
DOOKIE
Naw, that’ll never work. Send these items to me. I’m gonna
have myself shipped INTO prison with handguns and
sharp things and really blunt objects. Then Scoobie
gonna make all those guards feel his wrath. When Scoobie
feels pain the whole world feels pain. He’s gonna show
them why the prosecutor called him the Angel of Death;
the angriest, scariest, most torturous man on the planet.
JANICE
That sounds epic. So cancel the prison shipment then?
DOOKIE
Naw, send Scoobie a pen and a notebook or something.
That cat needs to learn to express his feelings better.
THE END
My name is Ben and I blogged this.
Obama Theatre Presents: War & Peace
In honor of President Obama flying to Norway to accept the Nobel Peace Prize and deploying troops to Afghanistan in the same week, I bring you another edition of Obama Theatre. Enjoy!
INT. OVAL OFFICE
President Obama’s administrative assistant pages him.
President Obama, Secretary of Defense
Robert Gates is here to see you.
OBAMA
Thank you, Secretary of Secretaries.
Send him in.
Robert Gates enters.
You wanted to see me, President Obama?
OBAMA
Gates, good to see ya. Have a seat.
Let’s talk Afghanistan.
GATES
Are you ready to unveil your plan to
remove troops from the Middle East?
OBAMA
Yeah, about that. I’ve been looking over the
progress reports, crunching numbers,
and I gotta tell you, I think
we can win this thing.
GATES
But sir…
OBAMA
Just hear me out. I know I gave the Bush Administration
a lot of grief for engaging in unnecessary wars at
the expense of soldiers’ lives, tax-payers’ dollars,
and international diplomacy. But that was
before I really got a looksie. I’m telling you we
can win this thing. 30,000 more troops. 50 tops.
GATES
Many of your supporters are already growing impatient
with you. Do you really want to jeopardize
your standing within the party further?
Joe Biden enters before Obama’s Administrative Assistant can announce him.
President Obama, I tried to stop him but
Vice President Biden is on his way in.
BIDEN
Too late! I’m in, girl!
OBAMA
Hi, Joe.
BIDEN
What up, B-Bomb, Gatesy? Did I hear something about a party?
GATES
I was just explaining to the President
that his standing within the Democratic Party
is tenuous at best right now.
BIDEN
Who cares? The Democratic Party is the nerd’s birthday
of political parties. The power couple JoeBama
is shaking things up.
OBAMA
Joe, come look at these Afghan progress reports and
crunch these numbers for me. Tell me what you see.
BIDEN
Son of a gun, DickBush was right! We can win this thing!
50,000 tops!
OBAMA
Right?! Right!
GATES
I’m not sure that’s the point. The American people
have spoken out against this war. Many would claim
your desire to end it was the principle reason
you were elected.
OBAMA
And I get that. Which is why you’re going to Afghanistan, Gatesy.
GATES
What? Why me?
OBAMA
I gotta fly to Norway and accept some prize.
Kick it with prime ministers and diplomats.
GATES
You’re going to accept the Nobel Peace Prize
simultaneous with the deployment of troops to war?
OBAMA
I hadn’t thought about that. Ironic!
Good thing my name’s already on the giant check.
GATES
Can’t the Vice President handle the Aghanistan situation?
OBAMA
JoeBiddy’s staying here to run the country.
BIDEN
Me and Senate are gonna kick out a health care bill
that looks shockingly similar to the status quo.
GATES
So then…I have to…Fiiiiine. Y’know, I thought we
were going to change the world when I signed on.
OBAMA
No you didn’t.
GATES
I know.
THE END
The part of me that isn’t appalled by someone receiving an international peace prize while instigating international war thinks it’s kind of baller.
My name is Ben and I blogged this.
Talk Show Time 5
It’s been awhile since we did a fake talk show around here. Let’s change that.
Every once in awhile I do not rent a television studio, do not set up any lights or cameras, and do not interview a prominent celebrity. This is the transcript of everything that did not happen. Please pretend it did. Names have been changed to protect the celebrities I’ve never met.
BEN
Today’s guest is film star and hottie du jour Maggie Wolf,
known for her roles in the mega-blockbuster FormerTrannies saga
and the recent horror film Jessica’s Pussy. Thanks so much
for joining us, Maggie.
MAGGIE WOLF
It’s my pleasure.
BEN
Maggie, you’re a young, sexy, bi-sexual girl in this era of unbridled friskiness.
It must be fun being a slut.
MAGGIE WOLF
I am NOT a slut.
BEN
I was trying to be colloquial. Like, I’m all “What’s up, slut?”
and then you’re like, “Nothing, betch.” And then we get smoothies.
Did I say it wrong?
MAGGIE WOLF
I don’t know. But I’m not a slut.
BEN
Again, I apologize. I only meant to say you enjoy the company of many
uncommitted partners. Male and female.
MAGGIE WOLF
That’s not true. I don’t have a serious boyfriend or girlfriend,
but I’m not going out having all my holes plugged on a nightly basis.
BEN
Of course not. Not ALL of them. And not EVERY night.
But a few of them on a few nights.
MAGGIE WOLF
No! Where did you get this information?
BEN
My friend Jerry. And Jerry is known to be right about such matters.
MAGGIE WOLF
Well he’s wrong this time.
BEN
I don’t know, Maggie. Am I going to take the word of my
good friend Jerry who has never steered me wrong – aside
from the time he literally steered me wrong, drunk, in a car,
through an appliance store – or from a known slut whose
been nothing but argumentative since she got here?
It’s a no-brainer, Maggie.
MAGGIE WOLF
You think I’m a worse source of information about me than
a drunk driver I’ve never met named Jerry. Seems reasonable.
BEN
All I’m saying is you should treat your body like a temple.
And by that I mean a place only Jews should enter
while wearing a funny hat. A little bit of humor.
MAGGIE WOLF
Ahhhh.
BEN
You see, I’m saying you should only let Jews wearing
condoms put their penises in your vagina.
MAGGIE WOLF
Funny. And made more so by the explanation.
BEN
Moving on. You probably didn’t understand the joke.
But if we stopped for everything you don’t
understand we might be here all day.
MAGGIE WOLF
I’m not stupid.
BEN
Of course you’re not, dear.
MAGGIE WOLF
You’re making the assumption that a sex symbol
can’t also represent herself substantively.
BEN
Yes, I am doing that. Though I’m not sure it’s still
an assumption when it’s also true.
MAGGIE WOLF
It’s not true.
BEN
Says the stupid slutty sex symbol.
MAGGIE WOLF
Ugh. Will you at least start asking questions?
BEN
You’re right. Let’s get to the questions. Here’s one for the
seafood lover in you…
MAGGIE WOLF
Great. Seafood – like eating vagina? Because I’m bi-sexual?
That’s really rich. I can’t believe I agreed to this.
BEN
Actually, it was a question about Red Lobster vs. Long John Silver.
I had read you enjoy clam bakes.
MAGGIE WOLF
I’m sorry for flying off the handle. I should’ve given you the benefit of the doubt.
I do enjoy clam ba….
BEN
Because you’re a WEEDHEAD! Burned you, Maggie Wolf.
MAGGIE WOLF
This interview is over.
BEN
What? No! Give me one more question. Please, I’m begging you!
MAGGIE WOLF
Fine, one more. But make it quick. And it better be thoughtful.
BEN
Believe me, thought has everything to do with it.
Your boobies, do they bounce when you think?
MAGGIE WOLF
That’s your thoughtful question?
BEN
What? I read about it in a popular publication.
MAGGIE WOLF
What popular publication?
BEN
It may have just been a general hypothesis I heard stated around town?
MAGGIE WOLF
What town?
BEN
Come to think of it, it was a question
sent in by a viewer.
MAGGIE WOLF
Who is this viewer?
BEN
Me.
MAGGIE WOLF
I’m leaving.
BEN
I see how it is, Maggie. Questions are getting a bit too heady for you?
MAGGIE WOLF
Yeah, your questions are too heady. Are you aware
your pants are on inside out? How is that even possible.
BEN
It’s, uh, the new style.
MAGGIE WOLF
Whatever. You’re a moron.
BEN
Well, that’s our show for tonight. I’d like to thank that
dirty pothead slut Maggie Wolf for stopping by.
Wasn’t she a breath of fresh air…out the butt.
You see, I’m saying she was like a fart. I’m funny damnit.
I won’t go so far as to say I’ll be back with another one of these next week, but soon. I can stick to “soon.”
My name is Ben and I blogged this.
Life with the Lions
Welcome to another edition of Blog Theatre. Today’s installment is called “Life with the Lions.” Enjoy!
PHIL THE LION brings home supper for his family – Wife, JANICE; Twin Sons, PJ and JP; and daughter, SHELLEY.
PHIL
Daddy’s home. And I brought dinner.
JANICE
Nice of you to join us, Phil. If you were going to be late
a roar would’ve been nice.
PHIL
I couldn’t risk scaring off dinner.
JANICE
I’m just saying it would’ve been nice.
PHIL
I’m sorry, Janice. Where are the kids?
JANICE
The twins are getting washed up for dinner and
Shelley is with her boyfriend.
PHIL
Boyfriend? I wasn’t told about any boyfriend.
JANICE
Because you lose your temper. When you prove you can listen
without flying off the handle we will start telling you things.
PHIL
I’m the goddamn father of this family. I should be told things.
PJ and JP, their twin sons, join them for dinner.
PJ
Awww man, gazelle again?
JP
We had gazelle last night!
PHIL
What’s wrong with gazelle? Gazelle is good meat.
JANICE
A little variety would be nice, dear.
PHIL
Excuuuuuuuse me. I come home late, you’re angry.
I bring home gazelle, you’re angry.
Tell me how I win here.
PJ
Tommy’s dad brought home hyena for dinner.
JP
Hyena is fancy!
PHIL
I guarantee you Tommy is over there complaining to
his dad that your dad brought home gazelle.
PJ
Nope. They already ate.
JP
Tommy’s dad was back three hours ago.
PHIL
Well then maybe you two should go live with Tommy’s dad.
PJ
Can we?
JP
We can be packed in a jiffy.
PHIL
Just eat your gazelle.
They eat. Shelley approaches with her boyfriend, a cheetah named CHET.
SHELLEY
Hi, everybody.
PHIL
Shelley, watch out! There’s a cheetah behind you!
SHELLEY
That’s my boyfriend Chet, daddy.
PHIL
What? No daughter of mine is dating a cheetah.
JANICE
This is what I mean, dear.
PHIL
This is different!
JP/PJ
Shelley’s boning a cheetah! Shelley’s boning a cheetah!
DAD
Don’t talk about your sister like that!
SHELLEY
Times are changing. Cheetahs and lions can love each other now.
DAD
Maybe the world has gone crazy. Not this family!
SHELLEY
You’re being unreasonable, daddy.
PHIL
I’m your father. That’s the only reason I need for anything.
SHELLEY
I love him! We’re going to be together,
whether you like it or not!
PHIL
Over my dead body! You will sit your butt down
and eat gazelle with your family!
SHELLEY
You know I’m a vegetarian! You’re so insensitive!
Come on, Chester!
They scamper off.
PJ
We’re gonna jet, too.
JP
There’s an inter-species kickball game tonight.
JANICE
Boys, finish your supper.
PJ
It’s fine, mom. We”ll grab a jackal or something after the game.
PHIL
Sons…
PJ/JP
Later, dad.
They scamper off.
PHIL
These kids today.
Janice gives him a disappointed look.
PHIL
What?
JANICE
I shed my extra maternal fur, you didn’t even notice.
PHIL
I was going to…
JANICE
It’s fine. I think I’m going to go to bed early.
PHIL
I work all day for this family and I come home to this? I should be respected!
JANICE
Oh for heaven’s sake, Phil. Sometimes you walk around
this place like you’re the king of the jungle.
She leaves.
PHIL
What just happened here?
THE END
My name is Ben and I blogged this.
My Name is Ben
