Special Talents

TALENT!!!

This is a performance by Kseniya Simonova, the winner of the 2009 Ukraine’s Got Talent. Get a load of this genius:

The American translation of Kseniya Simonova, in both name and title, is Kevin Skinner, the 2009 winner of America’s Got Talent. Get a load of this yokel:

Conclusion: America doesn’t have talent. Her performance is inspiring, groundbreaking, unique. His could take sixth place at a regional karaoke competition. There is an ocean between Kseniya and Kevin in both geography and talent.

And since I’ll probably never mention this show again, let me take a minute to address the judge’s panel. They’ve got David Hasselhoff, a man whose talents are only recognized in Germany; Sharon Osbourne: A Brit known only for discovering the excessively interesting and modestly talented Ozzy Osbourne; And the other guy: Who seems to be American but has evidenced no discernible talent.

I’m not sure any of these people could make a jury on talent, let alone a judgeship. I respect their judgment about as much as I respect the awful careers that led them here. Which maybe explains why they would give the top talent prize to an atonal, Animatronic inbredneck. America really does have talent. It’s just that, as a nation, our greatest talent is the ability to sell out ANYTHING. Ukraine’s version had greater talent but ours got better ratings and thus sold more Cheetos to fat, untalented people.

We sold out talent, y’all. What’s next? Sending Special Olympians in 2010? And we wonder why no one respects us anymore.

My name is Ben and I blogged this.

Mo’ Funnies

Here are a couple of comers who are already up. Wait, that didn’t come out right. That’s what she said. ENOUGH!

These comics have already achieved some level of success. But guess what, ya’ll? They just keep on coming.

Here is Anthony Jeselnik from New York. http://www.anthonyjeselnik.com/

And here is Howard Kremer, aka Dragon Boy Suede, from Los Angeles. http://www.dragonboysuede.com/

I will be back with at least one more “Comedians of 2009″ post. So get geeked about that, yos.

¿Más cómicos? ¡Bien!

Have a couple more laughs, on the house. No, I know jokes don’t actually cost anything. I was just…trying…fine. On with the show. No, I know this is a blog, not a show. Can I finish? Thank you.

Here are two of LA’s rising stars.

Randy Liedtke: Big, hairy, and funny. Sound like anyone else you know? Yes Dom Deluise does fit that description. That’s not who I meant. Who? Y’know what? Nevermind. Randy Liedtke, everybody. http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=181119623

And this is Harris Wittels. He writes for Sarah Silverman. He’s not very big, but he’s definitely funny. And frankly he looks a little hairy. Can we call you hairy, Harry? Worst joke I’ve ever written or told. I’m so sorry.  http://www.myspace.com/harriswittels

More comics (up and) coming. Stay tuned.

Up and Coming Come-Uppers

Today I’m going to post stand-up videos of a bunch of comedians I think you should know about. The music and movie bloggers get to post their “Fresh Faces for ’09,” why shouldn’t I?

I actually apologize for not doing this sooner. It is my duty to inform as well as entertain. Let me inform you and these videos entertain you.

There may be a whole bunch of hilarious comedians outside of New York and LA, however, they will not make this blog. You know who the funniest guy in Montana is? Me neither. If you want to be a tree that makes a sound, don’t fall in a forest where no one is there to hear you.

If the state of Montana would like to elect their funniest guy I would be happy to re-post the results.

Until then…

Let’s start with a couple New Yorkers. I will post more throughout the day.

This is Joe Mande. http://www.joemande.com/

Joe Mande mentioned his friend John Mulaney, so let’s show a clip of John Mulaney. http://www.johnmulaney.com/

Hope you enjoyed. I will post the links in my blogroll for future access. Be back in a little bit with a couple LA comics.

Looking Forward to ’09

Here are just a few of the things I am looking forward to this coming year:

The inauguration of our first black president.

It’s happening. The Clinton family is a Washington-based mafia. Barack Obama is already dead. When’s the last time you saw him? Seriously, when? ’08? When’s the last time you saw ’08? You can’t remember, can you? That night is a little fuzzy, as if you consumed copious amounts of alcohol and stayed up too late. That’s exactly how The Clintons want you to feel. Think about it. Then stop.

Moving on…

Ice Age 3, ya’ll! Ray-Rom and Johnny Legz are back to remind you that there is no better combination than prehistoric history lessons dumbed down for children and the pleasant speaking voices one encounters while riding the bus in Queens. Speaking of Queens, Ice Age 3 got ‘Tifah! Can’t miss just got can’t misser. Misserer. Can’ter miss. Better. The movie got better. Shut up.

2009 = NO OLYMPICS. No more muscular bodies to make me feel bad about having more than one bulge in my swim trunks. I’m sorry, I will never be as ripped as this dude:

What? That’s a girl? Yeah, right. The kind of girl with a 9 inch clitoris that can write pee-words in the snow. Seriously? It’s a girl? Well at least I have bigger boobs than she does. See what I mean? The Olympics do nothing but blur the gender lines.

2008, that was some bullshit.

2009, I hope you are taking notes.

My name is Ben and I look forward to blogging for you.