My Official Stance: I Hate Hitler

Every time I get a Google hit from someone searching for Hitler, a little Jewish piece of me dies. Six little pieces of me have died so far today. To put that in perspective, 1,000 Hit(ler)s gets me a Christmas ham. 1,000,000 lands me a lower-back Swastika tattoo. So six isn’t a scary sum, but any drops of ink towards a Nazi tat are too many.

Occasionally I’ll get hits for “Baby Hitler” or “Fuck Hitler” and those ones are fine. If Hitler is the punchline to the joke you are seeking out, by all means, pop by my shop. Baby Hitler is hilarious and “fuck Hitler” is a fair, if harsh, opinion to hold. It’s those hits for plain old “Adolph Hitler” or, like, “Hitler was right” that make me feel like maybe the blog world isn’t ready for my ironical, deconstructionist mixed messages and potty humor.

I never fancied my site a place where a Jew could come to get his Talmud on. But I didn’t think I was appealing to fascists either. I still don’t think I am. But it’s impossible to ignore the fact that I get more hits for Hitler than Hanukkah.

This is a site where extremists of all sorts should consider themselves unwelcome. Let me make myself perfectly clear: People who take things very seriously should never come to my site to obtain further evidence for their hyperbolic behavior. Addition by subtraction on that last statement: People who take things very seriously should never come to my site. Period. I don’t have time to babysit you hatemongers.

Hitler is bad. I never thought I would have to say that aloud.

Now that we got that unpleasantness out of the way, let’s chill the fuck out and look at a kitten and some baby ducks:

Tattoo THAT on my lower-back. Better yet, tattoo it on Hitler’s.

My name is Ben and I blogged this.

I Confess

I’ve kept this story under wraps for some time now, but recent events force me to come clean.

My friend Jerry the Actor always had the dream of being the greatest actor of all-time. One day while he was in the process of Method Acting the role of Adolph Hitler for a production called “Holocaust 2″ Jerry was conked on the head by a Menorrah unluckily dropped from the already unlucky 13th Floor of Jerry’s apartment building. Jerry was knocked unconscious. When he came to minutes later he believed himself to be Adolph Hitler and had no knowledge of Jerry the Actor.

I took him to countless doctors of the brain persuasion, trying desperately to get my friend Jerry back. It was no use. Hitler was there to stay – And Hitler was ruining everything: He cost Jerry his job; alienated his friends; he even lit Jerry’s  Honda on fire as an homage to German engineering. I tolerated all of this because the doctors made it clear that Jerry the Actor would return when the healing was complete.

But when Hitler finally divorced Jerry’s Jewish wife and sent his Jewish children off to a summer camp in Poland it became clear that something had to be done. So this time I thought outside the box. Jerry the Actor received four years of training in Method acting before taking on the role of Hitler. Hitler would have to do the same thing.

So I enrolled Hitler in acting classes and sat back for four years as he honed the craft. Hitler was a remarkably quick study and I was left to wonder if it was Jerry’s own proclivity towards the thespian arts or Hitler’s. When his training was complete I gave him the assignment for which his training was designed. Adolph Hitler would Methodically act the role of Jerry the Actor.

Hitler was even better as Jerry than Jerry as Hitler, to know one’s surprise except Hitler. There was only one foreseeable problem: Part of Method acting Jerry the Actor was a distinct desire to Method Act Adolph Hitler. At that point Jerry the Actor would be Method acting Adolph Hitler Method acting Jerry the Actor Method acting Adolph Hitler. That tangled web of personalities would be impossible to unravel.

So we came up with a plan: One day while Hitler was Method Acting Jerry I stood him outside of Jerry’s apartment and dropped a Menorah out of the 13 Floor window onto his head. My thinking, of course, was that Hitler would be knocked unconcious and wake up as Jerry the Actor again.

I was wrong. The box hit Hitler on the head as planned, but Hitler was not knocked unconscious. Instead the blow only angered him and his size grew proportionally and exponentially as his skin turned green and his clothes ripped off. “HITLER MAAAAAD,” he said, and I believed him. Even Jerry’s friend Ted, who was Method Acting Spiderman at the time, was no match for him. Jerry/Adolph was just too good an actor.

Conking Jerry on the head turned him into Adolph Hitler. Conking Hitler on the head turned him into the Incredible Hulk. A Jew-hating, small-mustached, Incredible Hulk. The Incredible Hulkler.

So you understand now why I had to come clean. This is a warning. There is a giant, green Nazi on the loose. He was  foul-tempered before. Now he is giant and green. I’m really sorry. I just wanted my friend back. Now Holocaust 2 is going to become a reality and this time I’m left to wonder: Did I help Jerry to achieve his dream….Or did I help Hitler?

Maybe both. Maybe neither. Maybe I will never know. But definitely we are all going to die. So sorry about that.

Random Notes from the Blogosphere

The word of the day is “pwn.” As in, “that movie pwns,” or “you just got pwned,” or “Newman’s Pwn Three Cheese Balsamic Vinaigrette.

For anyone who did not figure it out, pwn means own. It is a typo. A typo that has spread like wildfire. No, like the plague. Like Paris Hilton’s legs. Like a deli platter at a Shiva. If you’ve never been before, pray a Jewish friend dies, because that’s really quite a spread. I’m just saying, it’s a lot of deli platter. Chill out. Operation: Valkyrie is still on.

Brilliant movie, by the way. And thank you for the message. When a troll-like cult icon tells me not all Nazis were bad, I ask no questions. I just believe it.

Jerry Maguire 2 – Mission Statement: Kill Hitler.

Back to pwn.

Pwn, people. Seriously? Are we going to sit back idly while “pwn” is infiltrated on our language?

We said nothing when people started OMGing. Again, we remained silent through LMFAO. Then people started OMG LMFAOing and, at that point, there was nothing we could say. Let me repeat: People are OMG LMFAOing. Show some respect to “G” ya’ll. Leave him out of sentences with “F.”

Language is already lazier than a playoff Sunday in January. Language is already lazier than…yesterday. We cannot propagate typographical errors. There’s nothing cute, funny, or creative about intending to type the letter “o” and accidentally typing the letter “p.”

Typing the word “own” incorrectly generates more Google hits than typing my name correctly. That’s probably what is really bothering me.

Maybe I need to Google Ben Pxelrad.

In lighter news, the Obama puppy search is down to two breeds. Which dog would you choose?

OR

I’d split the difference and get this:

I would never split the difference and get this:

This one looks like Rick James:

C’mon. It does. It’s not racist when it’s true.

Besides, I didn’t make black people use all that Jheri curl in the ’80′s.

My name is Ben and I blogged this.

Answering the Call

I have been asked to speak on Republicans and speak I will. Anonymous poster, if you should grace us with another question or comment please include a name as I prefer to address my constituents by name.

With that bit of business behind us, let’s go to the mailbag.

“could you expound upon republicans? not necessarily those imbibed in the politic, but those earning > 250k and who will likely be severely pissed come 2009.. I just don’t know many, seeing as joe’s six pack and plumber and I are busy getting drunk and springing leaks. Are they nazi’s? good golfers? or would they name their daughters a lexus too?” -Anonymous Poster

I cannot judge the wealthy for their wealth. I don’t know very many people who fall into that income bracket, but some of the ones I do are my friends and family. I like my friends and family. As for the rich sons o’ bitches I don’t know? I don’t know them. I’m not going to generally admonish an entire diverse and prolific people based on my own fallible ideologies. If I’m not mistaken, that’s what the Nazis did. Are you calling me a Nazi?!

Nazi segue!

Let’s address that question: Are Republicans Nazis? No, they most decidedly are not. The Nazi party aimed to rid the world of an entire race of people, and knocked off 6 million of them before they were stopped. If anything, Republicans and their pro-choice reproductive politics look to put more people on the planet. Republicans overvalue life. Nazis thought about 90% of us were dead weight.

Y’see, Hitler was a special breed of evil and it is unfair to his memory to have Nazism besmirched by every gun-totin’, folk-talkin’, gubernatorial closeted lipstick lesbian who reads a little too much into the bible.

Seriously, why haven’t the Neo-Nazis come forward to remind people we don’t need to search for a modern day representation of Nazism. Their name means “New Nazis.”

Think about Hitler (like you weren’t already). He wore a pithy, little straight dark mustache and now no one in the world can ever wear it again. That is evil! What trend is John McCain going to sully? Wearing too small sport jackets? We weren’t going to do that anyway. That ‘stache was pimp! WAS pimp. Not anymore. That’s the Hitler ‘Stache now. He got that Nazi stink all over it.

Just remember, Hitler wouldn’t like a snippy bitch like Sarah Palin any more than you do. But that doesn’t make her a genocidal Jew murderer. Is Dubya a tyrant? Abso-fucking-lutely. But even he’s not a genocidal Jew murderer, And you’ve got to be on par with genocidal Jew murderer to earn the title “Nazi.”

Speaking of par…golf segue!

I got nothing on golf. I will not bore my readers with with even the funniest of golf material. And I have it. The funniest. But I won’t do it.

As for naming your children after expensive automobiles, I’m all for it. For years we have named boats and luxury cars after the people we love most. Why not name a person we love after a luxurious piece of machinery? Why name a boy Bobby when you can name him Mercedes? What does Bobby mean? Nothing. What does Mercedes mean? The highest quality in German design and engineering.

The highest quality in German design and engineering. I think that’s what Hitler wanted.

Reverse segue!

My name is Ben and I call my comments “the mailbag.”