Obama Theatre Presents: War & Peace
In honor of President Obama flying to Norway to accept the Nobel Peace Prize and deploying troops to Afghanistan in the same week, I bring you another edition of Obama Theatre. Enjoy!
INT. OVAL OFFICE
President Obama’s administrative assistant pages him.
President Obama, Secretary of Defense
Robert Gates is here to see you.
OBAMA
Thank you, Secretary of Secretaries.
Send him in.
Robert Gates enters.
You wanted to see me, President Obama?
OBAMA
Gates, good to see ya. Have a seat.
Let’s talk Afghanistan.
GATES
Are you ready to unveil your plan to
remove troops from the Middle East?
OBAMA
Yeah, about that. I’ve been looking over the
progress reports, crunching numbers,
and I gotta tell you, I think
we can win this thing.
GATES
But sir…
OBAMA
Just hear me out. I know I gave the Bush Administration
a lot of grief for engaging in unnecessary wars at
the expense of soldiers’ lives, tax-payers’ dollars,
and international diplomacy. But that was
before I really got a looksie. I’m telling you we
can win this thing. 30,000 more troops. 50 tops.
GATES
Many of your supporters are already growing impatient
with you. Do you really want to jeopardize
your standing within the party further?
Joe Biden enters before Obama’s Administrative Assistant can announce him.
President Obama, I tried to stop him but
Vice President Biden is on his way in.
BIDEN
Too late! I’m in, girl!
OBAMA
Hi, Joe.
BIDEN
What up, B-Bomb, Gatesy? Did I hear something about a party?
GATES
I was just explaining to the President
that his standing within the Democratic Party
is tenuous at best right now.
BIDEN
Who cares? The Democratic Party is the nerd’s birthday
of political parties. The power couple JoeBama
is shaking things up.
OBAMA
Joe, come look at these Afghan progress reports and
crunch these numbers for me. Tell me what you see.
BIDEN
Son of a gun, DickBush was right! We can win this thing!
50,000 tops!
OBAMA
Right?! Right!
GATES
I’m not sure that’s the point. The American people
have spoken out against this war. Many would claim
your desire to end it was the principle reason
you were elected.
OBAMA
And I get that. Which is why you’re going to Afghanistan, Gatesy.
GATES
What? Why me?
OBAMA
I gotta fly to Norway and accept some prize.
Kick it with prime ministers and diplomats.
GATES
You’re going to accept the Nobel Peace Prize
simultaneous with the deployment of troops to war?
OBAMA
I hadn’t thought about that. Ironic!
Good thing my name’s already on the giant check.
GATES
Can’t the Vice President handle the Aghanistan situation?
OBAMA
JoeBiddy’s staying here to run the country.
BIDEN
Me and Senate are gonna kick out a health care bill
that looks shockingly similar to the status quo.
GATES
So then…I have to…Fiiiiine. Y’know, I thought we
were going to change the world when I signed on.
OBAMA
No you didn’t.
GATES
I know.
THE END
The part of me that isn’t appalled by someone receiving an international peace prize while instigating international war thinks it’s kind of baller.
My name is Ben and I blogged this.
You Lie You Die
Obama is a more tolerant man than I. If anyone ever pulled a Joe Wilson and yelled out “YOU LIE!” during one of my bloggy state of the unions, I’d cut their fucking dick off. Women included.
“YOU LIE!”
Okay. Women aren’t included. But men, you watch out.
“YOU LIE!”
Fine. I won’t cut anyone’s dick off. But still, I’m not to be fucked with.
“YOU LIE!”
You’re right. I’m a giant pussy.
…
Why does it feel like I just cut MY dick off?
My name is Ben and I blogged this.
Rights and Wrongs
The Civil War between Philadelphian dog lovers and black people we’ve all been anticipating is about to come to a head, and ex-quarterback/ex-convict/current running back/future convict Michael Vick is at the center of it. The next uneventful preseason game for the Philadelphia Eagles will become decidedly more eventful when the NAACP marches against animal rights groups who are protesting against the Eagles for signing the Don King of dog-fighting after his recent release from penitentiary.
It’s been a long time since we had a good protest of a protest.
Clearly this is not about animal or human rights; this is about sports and money and fame and whether someone can be good enough at one thing (football) to make up for how bad they are at another (not murdering dogs). Which brings us to the recently deceased Teddy Kennedy.
Like a good pompous douchebag, allow me to quote myself from a post written after the inauguration, when Teddy collapsed at a luncheon:
“The most profound moments in black history are always accompanied by the fall of a Kennedy. The March on Washington happened four months before JFK was shot . MLK was assassinated just two months before Bobby Kennedy. Yesterday was MLK Day and today Obama takes office, two black days in a row, and Teddy doesn’t even make it through lunch. Is it a coincidence? Possibly. But it’s more likely that the fates of black culture and the Kennedy Family are immovably on opposite sides of the cosmic Wheel of Fortune.”
Is this another example? The short answer is yes. The long answer is also yes.
It really adds perspective, though, that JFK’s death coaligned with the March on Washington for human rights and the Teddy Kennedy death coaligns with the March on Veteran’s Stadium for Vick’s rights. Was Teddy the Michael Vick of the Kennedy family? The short answer is no. The long answer is also no. But more absurd assertions have been made. They were both allowed to continue doing their high profile jobs after involvements in wrongful deaths. And I’m pretty sure they both had sexually-transmitted diseases. (Big ups, Ron Mexico!) But the similarities probably end there.
The championship-starved football fanatics of Philly are eager to point out that Michael Vick has paid his debt to society and should be given a second chance. I’m all for second chances for those who have paid for their sins. The problem I have here is that Michael Vick didn’t really do anything to society; his crimes were against doggies. So it seems to me that this atonement should have to appeal to a different court. I think we’re all on the same page here: It’s time Mike Vick goes before the judge, jury, EXECUTIONER that is…
That should about even the score. Once Cujo gives the thumbs-up, then we’ll start talking second chances.
My name is Ben and I blogged this.
Brazil’s Chief Export Is Cool Names
Can you identify this man? His name is Lula Da Silva and he is President of Brazil. You could be President of Brazil too if you had a name as cool as Lula Da Silva. Here in America our executive officers have names like Barack Obama and George Washington and Lungbutt Fishfartytrousers. Dumb, boring names. If the next set of wars involve control over the world’s cool names Brazil will be our first target.
Get a load of some of the awesome names in Lula’s cabinet. You know how communication is all gay and everything? Well maybe we wouldn’t feel that way if Helio Costa was in charge of it. You know how justice is a farce and everything? With Tarso Genro as its chief executioner, I think not. And you know how agriculture is all lame and everything? Not with Reinhold Stephanes behind the plow. Now it’s cool as the other side of a cucumber. A cucumber that Reinhold Stephanes farmed. That’s a doubly cool cucumber!
If your Chief of the Civilian Household of the Presidency was Dilma Rousseff maybe…Actually, Dilma Rousseff isn’t a very cool name at all. Is that a man or a woman? And what the hell is a Chief of the Civilian Household of the Presidency? I think that might be a butler. Or head butler. Like, the butler who gets his own butler. Yeah, that’s it. Not a bad gig this Chief of the Civilian Household of the Presidency.
The cool names don’t quit with politics. The NBA has Brazilians like Leandro Barbosa and Nene Hilario. Nene Hilario! If that doesn’t mean hilarious baby then I don’t know Português. By the way, I don’t know Português, even though I was born there. Also, I was not born there, though I visit quite frequently. Except that I’ve never been to Brazil. Big fan of Brazil, Terry Gilliam’s dystopian sci-fi classic. Though, technically, I’ve never seen it. At least not with my eyes. But I got nothing but love for those Brazil nuts. Eat ‘em all the time. What? I do! Are you calling me a liar?! Where is this accusation coming from?!
I’ll leave you with one last name: Fab Melo. He’s the next blue chip basketball prospect from Brazil, slated to attend Syracuse University on scholarship. Rescind the offer, Syracuse, because that name is entirely too cool for school. Even a school with a name as cool as Syracuse. Fab Melo marks the limitations of the cool name rule. The trajectory goes cool name…Cool Name…COOL NAME…carbonated beverage. Fab Melo sounds like a soft drink, and one that Mountain Dew will drive off the market in a single promotional run. So, respectfully, we’re going to decline Fab Melo and his excessively cool name here in America.
Brazil, please send your head butler to come get him.
My name is Ben and I blogged this.
My Name is Ben
