(posted by ben axelrad)
Ladies and gentleman, I’d like to announce the introduction of a new PoC segment called “Ben’s video recap of LOST in 30 seconds or less.” Enjoy the first of millions starting. . .NOW! Oh, wait, one more thing. . .SPOILER ALERT! Okay, enjoy it. . .NOW!
Ladies and gentleman, I’m sad to announce the end of the extremely popular PoC segment “Ben’s video recap of LOST in 30 seconds or less.” It was a solid run; I don’t think any of us will soon forget the recap of Season 6, Episode 8; but all good things must come to a close. Don’t shed a tear for us, America. We were blessed to have lasted this long. Especially given that this turned out to be an epic failure and a terrible waste of time.
I wish nothing but the best to everyone who was involved with this project. Even the Locke Monster, who kills everything and has the stupidest name ever.
My name is Ben and I’ll try harder tomorrow.
Today, Los Angeles, after almost a year and a half without one, I got a car. And not just any car; a white 2003 Ford Taurus – The roomy, family-style sedan all the rappers drive! This is a game-changer!
Faraway places, I can go to them. Impromptu dinners, I can eat them. Surprise appearances by Dave Chappelle at Chuckle Huts in Boontown, I can laugh at them. Ga-ga-ga-game-changer.
But none of that’s important. This is: Wherever you are now, I can get to you. It used to be you could hollar all sorts of BULLSHIT and as long as you were outside a fat man’s walking radius you were safe from recompense. No more, shit-talker. You can get got. That’s right, $$$, I got wheels now. Game-changer!
No lie, the game is changed. Is your booty calling? I’ll answer. Extra sandwich? Be right over! Need a designated driver? Hey, who’s got a number for a taxi? C’mon y’all, some games are unchangeable.
My name is Ben and I drink and blog and drive.
(posted by ben axelrad)
I can’t believe another week has passed and I’m out here soap-boxing for SNL again. I haven’t even had time to watch last week’s episode yet, which I realize is sheer blasphemy. It’s like the Pope not having time for Christmas – and not just because Zach Galifianakis looks like a young Santa. Or at least it would be like that if Christmas came twenty times a year for an hour and a half on the weekend. Though, really, wouldn’t that better exemplify the true spirit of Christmas? Whatever, you guys are a bunch of TV Jews. Watch this while I wrap your stupid presents:
Are your eyes scorching from staring directly into the Jude Law? I should’ve warned you. Listen J-Law, I don’t know what passes for handsome in froggy ol’ Britain but in America you need to put a bag over that head. Get over here, I’ve got some extra gift wrap. In this case the wrap is the gift. U-K-L-Y you have got an alibi, you British, you you, you Brit-ish. Let me wrap that mug like it says “WORLD’S GREATEST DADDY.” Looking at you makes my eyeballs long for the soothing relief of pepper spray. You’re the Prince of Walrus. If you were any uglier I’d stop getting a boner every time I look at you. Am I right, my manly mens?!
In news that is true, the magnificent movie MYSTERY TEAM is at the NuArt Theatre in Los Angeles starting today for the next week. Angelinos, go out and support the film sometime between now and next Thursday evening. DERRICK dudes A’ing your Q’s at all evening shows. I’ll be there one night and promise to also A your Q if A’ed at an appropriate T.
My name is Ben and I blogged this.
(posted by ben axelrad)
Hey, t.j.’s old pal Mel (old describes the person, not the friendship) is pulling double duty hocking wares for classesUSA also!
It’s time we stop witch-hunting the clearly upstanding people at LowerMyBills.com and focus on the real culprits: These old bastards selling their souls to the devil called viral marketing. Mel, I question your advertorial integrity. *Gasp* if you want, motherfuckers, I said it.
When I heard he needed to consolidate his debt I believed it, because he is ancient and has outlived even the best intentions of the Social Security Administration by a quarter century. Slow death leaves old folks penniless, so debt consolidation matters to Mel and his fellow hangers-on.
But financial aid? That’s a young man’s game, Melonius. You can’t afford to finish your degree less because of the money and more because thinking too hard could cause your dusty brain to explode like old dynamite (dibs on old dynamite as a nickname for my penis). Furthermore, this advertisement is civically irresponsible. The higher education system is badly over-populated and in desperate need of re-conceptualization as a parametric equation, particularly as regards non-viole … I’m thinking of the prison system, aren’t I? Scratch that last point then. Just focus on the part about Mel dying from extra thoughts.
I’m about to coin a term for ads like these that will undoubtedly sweep the nation and win several awards for blog genius. That term is … wait for it … hey, where are you going? I said wai … Alright, I’ll tell you! It’s “Mousetraps.” The term is “Mousetraps.” Get it? The advertisement is the trap, Mel is the cheese, and your mouse is the mouse (convenient, huh?). The mouse runs over the cheese and gets caught in the trap. Only a fool with the brains of a mouse gets caught in a mousetrap, literal or figurative. Though a mouse-brained fool might actually benefit from a clickable advertisement about additional schooling so maybe the ends justify the means.
The moral of the metaphor? We may qualify for a grant to go back to school, y’all!
And that’s the story of how I re-enrolled in college.
Thanks, Josh, for putting together this picture for me. I’ll pay you in debt consolidation. Hey, Mel ain’t the only one trying to pay some bills.
My name is Ben and I’m broke.
(posted by ben axelrad)
If you’ve noticed decidedly fewer posts (and by that I mean zero posts) at Poop or Chocolate this week here is the reason why: There have been decidedly fewer posts (and by that I mean zero posts) at Poop or Chocolate this week.
You need more explanation than that? Fiiiiiiine. There haven’t been posts at Poop or Chocolate these past couple days because the kid Slog Bloggenstein (ummm…me) has been in New York taping a chili segment for The Rachael Ray Show.
You need more explanation than that? Fiiiiiiine. But not now. A story such as this, much like chili itself, needs simmering to develop its flavor. I promise to give you all the hearty, meaty details in a blog coming soon, but for now you can peruse all the hearty, meaty details of my chili recipe at the Rachael Ray Everyday website.
And also, pick up the April issue of Rachael Ray Everyday magazine for a short piece about me and my love for chili dogging (wait…ummm…naw that’s right) wherever you pick up magazines. I recognize some of you may not be interested in anything else in the issue, so if that’s the case you can pick up the issue, turn to page 79, read it, close the magazine and put it down. Are you picking up what I’m putting down?
This was a super fun experience and I’d like to thank everyone who made it so; in particular Michelle Garcia, my fantastic friend at Rachael Ray Everyday who hipped me to the gig, and Mandie DeCamp, my perfect point person on the television show who suffered admirably through taking me shopping and waiting while I smoked cigarettes. If all gals were as great as those two I’d stop publicly hating on women so much. Just kidding to some part of that.
So that’s been wazzup, y’alls. Set your DVRs for my April 1st appearance on the show and hollar at that recipe if you’re trying to get your chili on (and who iddint, right?).
As great as the experience was, though, I recognize you, the readers need me more right now. I promise not to leave you in a lurch again. I also promise to find out where and what a “lurch” is so I have an easier time finding you when left there. Does it have something to do with that freak from The Addams Family? If so, I’m super sorry for leaving you there.
My name is Ben and I blogged this to prove I’m back.