It All Could Come Crashing Down…
When your television show survives 35 years; through the tenures of eight presidents; through war; terrorist attack; disasters both natural and intentional, it is fair to wonder if it is impervious to everything. This weekend host Zach Galifianakis will likely test that theory.
This could be brilliant. This could be a disaster (either natural or intentional). If you’re a safe gambler bet on both. Home run hitters? Parlay a trifecta of dressing room fire, full-frontal nudity, and standing ovation. But no matter what type of gambler you are, one thing remains constant: Gambling on scripted television is a weird sign you have a problem and you should stop it. I call ‘em how I see ‘em.
My name is Ben and I’ve been curing gambling addiction since two sentences ago.
Random Notes from the Blogosphere 4
(posted by ben axelrad)
1. Last month’s SKY MAGAZINE, the monthly periodical produced by cutting edge provocateurs Delta Airlines, asked and answered the question “Why We Love Ashton Kutcher.” I’ll save you the flight money and convey the answer here (SPOILER ALERT for anyone flying Delta LAST month): SKY MAGAZINE loves Ashton Kutcher because Ashton Kutcher agreed to be in SKY MAGAZINE by Delta. I considered canning this joke since the magazine is no longer timely. Then I remembered, it’s SKY MAGAZINE by Delta. It’s irrelevant as soon as the ink dries.
2. This goes out to Jim & Pam from THE OFFICE, the McRib sandwich, and all but 90% of the girls I’ve loved before: I’m over you. Move on.
3. This song. The one you hear on the radio 80 times a day.
4. Not to sound like the boy who tweeted wolf, but … Poop or Chocolate is back on Twitter. Are you someone who loves Poop or Chocolate? Cool, we have that in common! Are you someone who also loves tweeting? That’s a difference between us. If you answered yes to both and would like to put your Tweetspertise to use for PorC, drop me a line. Thanks, brother/sister.
My name is Ben and I Get Random Wit’ It.
It’s Oscar Weak
People are freaking out about the Oscars this year.
Earthquakes in Haiti, Japan, and Chile. A tsunami in Hawaii. Unusually long wait at Subway (I’m glad you hire sandwich artists, but not every sandwich has to be an opus…only mine). I can only assume all these were caused by the same thing: The new Oscar format.
This year’s Oscars (which I’m calling the Special Oscars)(like the Special Olympics)(which I call the Tard Olympics)(don’t worry they can’t read)(can they?)(somebody get me a literacy status on retards)(either way, they aren’t allowed at this site)(are they?)(somebody else get me restriction status on retards) suck. If you made a movie this year the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences wants you to know you’re a winner just for trying.
Ten frickin’ movies are nominated for Best Picture this year and the selections couldn’t be more bland. I’m not saying the movies were bland, just the process by which they were chosen. Here’s a list of the nominees to demonstrate:
- The black one
- The racially-sensitive one
- The British one
- The Jewy one
- The Tarantino one
- The war one
- The corny one
- The innovative one
- The animated one
- District 9
Did the BCS design this format change? I vote for a playoff system. C’mon AMPAS, just pick the best five movies and give one of them an award. It’s not like people remember or care about the winner anyway. What won last year? Rocky Balboa? Shakespeare in Love? The Coneheads? I don’t know and I don’t care. What I do know is that I saw Up; I saw Up in the Air; I saw Avatar; I saw Up, Up in the Avatair, and placing those films in a single honorary category is as ridiculous as giving an MVP award for all of sports. There’s no criteria for basis. Can’t be conceived of. No possible way. Can’t be done. Kobe Bryant. Up.
I’ve seen whiskey shits less diluted than this year’s Oscar pool. Whiskey Shits, also nominated.
My name is Ben and I don’t really know movies.
Me and SNL Can’t Wait Any Longer
(posted by ben axelrad)
If this shit doesn't end soon I'll show them some fireworks of my own.
I get goosebumps when I think about the Closing Ceremonies of the Olympics. In the spirit of sportsmanship all the nations of the world stay united to say goodbye to this two-week shit storm of boring. If I hear one more thing about figure skating it will be the first thing I’ve heard about figure skating and I’ll go homicidal with the next figure skate I find…which will be the first figure skate that I find. I guess what I’m trying to say is, yay for sportsmanship and goodwill.
Saturday Night Live can’t wait any longer for this bullshit party to end so they’re throwing a party of their own this weekend with talented actress Jennifer Lopez as the host and untalented musician Jennifer Lopez as the musical guest. Preview? Eh, if you need it.
Hot damn, Jennifer Lopez is hotter than ever. DAMN! Didn’t she have twins like a week ago? Were they butt babies? Don’t answer that, I enjoy believing they were.
It’s been a triumphant week at Poop or Chocolate, thank you to everyone who stopped by to check out T.J.’s interview or to meet Julia or to call Josh a self-loathing Jew. Even to the guy who popped in just to tell us we suck. Thank you to everyone. Keep coming over and we’ll keep feeding you funny. Have an excellent weekend and see you next week!
My name is Ben and we thank you.
Drugs are for Losters
(posted by ben axelrad)
Coming at you a day late with my weekly LOST coverage ’cause T.J. hogged the site yesterday with his awesome interview. I’m glad you wrote an excellent post dude, but the rest of us need to use the internet too.
Anyhoo . . . LOST!
Of all the seeming impossibilities made prosaic on LOST, none seems more far-fetched to me than anyone following Hurley anywhere that didn’t have a snack bar or a water bong. Hurley found weed on that island, right? No one could stay that dumb, calm, and hungry without cannabinoids.
Speaking of drugs on the island, I bet after three years people are starting to get pissed all Charlie’s heroine burned up. I would’ve been pissed after three hours. This ain’t NA, bitch, we’re stranded on an inescapable island and you just torched our only artifice of escapism. If I was there this is how it would’ve gone down:
ME
Charlie, did you find heroine?
CHARLIE
Uhhhh…Nooooooo. This isn’t heroine.
ME
Cut the crap, dude. That’s heroine.
CHARLIE
Fine. But don’t tell anyone.
ME
I’m telling EVERYONE. Hey everyone!
Charlie found heroine! Let’s all do heroine.
CHARLIE
They don’t do heroine.
ME
I don’t either. But this is the worst situation
ever and rumor has it that’s the best shit ever.
I think we’ll make an exception.
EVERYONE, COME QUICK!
CHARLIE
Shhhh! You’re going to get me in trouble.
I’m a recovering addict.
ME
Dude, no one cares about your stupid addiction.
One, we only met your junkie ass like a week ago.
And two, we just fucking plane-crashed on an
island they’re NEVER gonna find. You think
Hurley’s counting calories or Shannon’s working
on being less of a giant twat? No.
“Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em,” brother.
CHARLIE
But I had a real problem with the stuff.
ME
Yeah, well you have a few real problems now too.
And most of them won’t get you high as shit.
Try catching a buzz off that homicidal billow of
anthropomorphic black smoke.
CHARLIE
I guess you’re right. Let’s do some heroine.
ME
After this we should try my addiction.
CHARLIE
Oh yeah? What’s that?
ME
Masturbating to tropical polar bears.
CHARLIE
Uh…
ME
Don’t judge me, junkie.
CHARLIE
Fair enough.
ME
This island is magical.
THE END
We all know the island cures everything except death, and apparently heroine addiction. So that means either heroine addiction is as bad as death or the island condones it. I mean, am I wrong? Probably.
Don’t do drugs, kids. Unless you’re stranded with me on an island. Or in a prison. Or at a somewhat long stop light.
My name is Ben and LOST is my drug of choice (as are drugs).
My Name is Ben
