In honor of President Obama flying to Norway to accept the Nobel Peace Prize and deploying troops to Afghanistan in the same week, I bring you another edition of Obama Theatre. Enjoy!
INT. OVAL OFFICE
President Obama’s administrative assistant pages him.
President Obama, Secretary of Defense
Robert Gates is here to see you.
Thank you, Secretary of Secretaries.
Send him in.
Robert Gates enters.
You wanted to see me, President Obama?
Gates, good to see ya. Have a seat.
Let’s talk Afghanistan.
Are you ready to unveil your plan to
remove troops from the Middle East?
Yeah, about that. I’ve been looking over the
progress reports, crunching numbers,
and I gotta tell you, I think
we can win this thing.
Just hear me out. I know I gave the Bush Administration
a lot of grief for engaging in unnecessary wars at
the expense of soldiers’ lives, tax-payers’ dollars,
and international diplomacy. But that was
before I really got a looksie. I’m telling you we
can win this thing. 30,000 more troops. 50 tops.
Many of your supporters are already growing impatient
with you. Do you really want to jeopardize
your standing within the party further?
Joe Biden enters before Obama’s Administrative Assistant can announce him.
President Obama, I tried to stop him but
Vice President Biden is on his way in.
Too late! I’m in, girl!
What up, B-Bomb, Gatesy? Did I hear something about a party?
I was just explaining to the President
that his standing within the Democratic Party
is tenuous at best right now.
Who cares? The Democratic Party is the nerd’s birthday
of political parties. The power couple JoeBama
is shaking things up.
Joe, come look at these Afghan progress reports and
crunch these numbers for me. Tell me what you see.
Son of a gun, DickBush was right! We can win this thing!
I’m not sure that’s the point. The American people
have spoken out against this war. Many would claim
your desire to end it was the principle reason
you were elected.
And I get that. Which is why you’re going to Afghanistan, Gatesy.
What? Why me?
I gotta fly to Norway and accept some prize.
Kick it with prime ministers and diplomats.
You’re going to accept the Nobel Peace Prize
simultaneous with the deployment of troops to war?
I hadn’t thought about that. Ironic!
Good thing my name’s already on the giant check.
Can’t the Vice President handle the Aghanistan situation?
JoeBiddy’s staying here to run the country.
Me and Senate are gonna kick out a health care bill
that looks shockingly similar to the status quo.
So then…I have to…Fiiiiine. Y’know, I thought we
were going to change the world when I signed on.
No you didn’t.
The part of me that isn’t appalled by someone receiving an international peace prize while instigating international war thinks it’s kind of baller.
My name is Ben and I blogged this.
Conspiracy or something! The liberal media is at it again or something! Check out this egregious cover-up or something! Something!
Obama threw that pitch in the dirt and the cameras didn’t show it! They essentially showed everything but the pitch. I understand why. Obama is a left-hander and unless a lefty hurls a baseball 95 miles per hour he always looks like a sissy. Throwing a left-handed sissy pitch into the dirt from a short distance on national television? People would’ve started calling him our first black female president. Slow your role, Barry. Oprah ain’t letting nobody steal that title from her. Knowing how feminine he would look is probably not only why they cut away on his pitch but also why they made him dress like a Southside Chicago volunteer fireman while throwing it.
After the “pitch” Obama joined Joe Buck and the other guy in the announcer’s booth for an inning of sports banter. I am always at first impressed by Obama’s knowledge of timely sports news. Then, eventually, it starts to make me nervous. I don’t care how smart you are, there are only so many hours in the day to devote to processing information. And if the President is aware of more minute sports minutiae than me, a sloth-like part-time blogger who sits around in his underwear all day, he is spending too much time on espn.com and not enough time writing his idea for a 20-part “mini”-series about Bigfoot attacks…I mean running the country…I mean protecting the country from Bigfoot attacks.
One more thing about baseball just to get it out of my system. The night before last, during baseball’s Home Run Derby, if any of the participants hit a home run off some sign positioned in leftfield, State Farm would donate like a million bucks to Cancer research. Four hours and dozens of home runs later, no one hit that sign. I kept waiting to hear what Cancer’s consolation prize might be, but it was never revealed. Apparently Cancer got nothing. Merit-based charitable contributions might just be the sad trend of the future. If not, they’re at least a funny idea for a sketch. “Timmy, you want one last wish you will FIGHT FOR IT!” Up for grabs on that one.
My name is Ben and I blogged this or something.
Here are just a few of the things I am looking forward to this coming year:
The inauguration of our first black president.
It’s happening. The Clinton family is a Washington-based mafia. Barack Obama is already dead. When’s the last time you saw him? Seriously, when? ’08? When’s the last time you saw ’08? You can’t remember, can you? That night is a little fuzzy, as if you consumed copious amounts of alcohol and stayed up too late. That’s exactly how The Clintons want you to feel. Think about it. Then stop.
Ice Age 3, ya’ll! Ray-Rom and Johnny Legz are back to remind you that there is no better combination than prehistoric history lessons dumbed down for children and the pleasant speaking voices one encounters while riding the bus in Queens. Speaking of Queens, Ice Age 3 got ‘Tifah! Can’t miss just got can’t misser. Misserer. Can’ter miss. Better. The movie got better. Shut up.
2009 = NO OLYMPICS. No more muscular bodies to make me feel bad about having more than one bulge in my swim trunks. I’m sorry, I will never be as ripped as this dude:
What? That’s a girl? Yeah, right. The kind of girl with a 9 inch clitoris that can write pee-words in the snow. Seriously? It’s a girl? Well at least I have bigger boobs than she does. See what I mean? The Olympics do nothing but blur the gender lines.
2008, that was some bullshit.
2009, I hope you are taking notes.
My name is Ben and I look forward to blogging for you.
President Obama ya’ll!
Now cue his mu’fuckin’ music!
Yes we can make history!
Now let’s start looting!