JESUS THE GO-GETTER

I’m making this a Jesus-themed week. As I was writing Tuesday’s closely-accurate crucifixion scene, I started thinking about Afterlife Jesus.  Being the son of God is, literally, a blessing. But I’m sure it’s also a curse. As the child of power, did Jesus go on to become ambitious or complacent? Today and tomorrow’s posts will examine those two possible Jesuses. Today, I give you JESUS THE GO-GETTER.

Jesus enters God’s office and sits down.

JESUS
Dad, I was wondering If I could speak to you
for a moment.

GOD
Sure, Son, what’s on your mind?

JESUS
Not much, really. I want to start by telling you how
happy I am about all the time we get to spend
together since I joined you up here at God Manor.

GOD
Me too, Son. Me too.

JESUS
And I totally don’t want to step on any toes when I say this,
but, are you planning on retiring anytime soon?

GOD
I’ve given it some thought: It’s just not the right time for
a transition. Maybe next year.

JESUS
You’ve been saying “Maybe next year” for over 2000 years.
We’ve been over this: The market is never in a position to
accept drastic change, but progress is a calculated risk
made with the willingness to take a step backwards in
order to move forward.

GOD
I knew I would regret letting you go to business school before
beginning your missionary duties. You spent your entire twenties
preaching about the benefit of assets over liabilities.
That’s why I cut all those years out of the bible.

JESUS
It’s much better having everyone think your son was a
shoeless, whore-mongering hippie.

GOD
You were a carpenter!

JESUS
I was building my own crucifix!
(calming down)
Look, Dad, when you asked me to join you on the throne,
I kind of thought we would rule as equals. At the very
least I expected on-the-job training for when my regime
takes power. But so far it’s been a lot of hurry up and wait.

GOD
I don’t know what to tell you, Son.
I feel as young as the day I started.

JESUS
That’s because you are as young as the day you started.
This is heaven, no one is aging. Because of the time
I spent on Earth in that desert heat, I actually
look, like, 35 years older than you and all the angels.
You brought me home to be a pedophile. Don’t tell me
you haven’t noticed the way people look at me
when I approach women.

GOD
It does look a bit odd.

JESUS
I look like a baby rapist!  You’ve made me a social pariah,
the least you can do is listen to my ideas.

GOD
Okay, tell me an idea.

JESUS
Really? Wow. I was expecting to have to fight harder for this.
Well, okay, off the top of my dome, Heaven time shares.
We get a bunch of Earthlings to buy a share of a…

GOD
I know what a time share is.

JESUS
Right, right. You know everything. That’s one of the
job perks I look most forward to.

GOD
They’re time shares, Jesus. You don’t need total omniscience
to know about time shares. What else?

JESUS
How about retail locations? We could franchise!

GOD
Maybe next year.

JESUS
“Maybe next year” just means no.

GOD
This year it does. Maybe next year it will mean yes.

JESUS
I just feel like we’re losing our market share, Pop.
I want to help bring the company back to greatness.
Times are changing, staying on top means new strategies
like viral ad campaigns and digital media. We need to
increase online functionality.

GOD
The internet, huh?

JESUS
It’s a universal medium.

GOD
I must admit, surfing the web is pretty cool. There’s a blog called
Poop or Chocolate where one of my “children”, Ben Axelrad,
writes these hilarious fake conversations between,
like…well, I can’t think of an example at the moment,
but take my word, they are really quite a hoot.

JESUS
This is great, Dad. I feel like we made some headway here.
You’re finally open to my ideas. So you’ll consider
stepping down soon?

GOD
(Thinking for a pause)
Can’t do it. Look at me – I’m an all-powerful baby!
I ain’t going nowhere. Now get over here and change my diaper:
God made a stinky.

JESUS
(Changing God’s diaper, disgusted)
You can create the entire world but you can’t change
your own diaper.

GOD
I can change it, I just like how soft you make my
bottom feel.

JESUS
I can’t believe I left Earth for this.

GOD
(Ignoring him)
Speaking of Earth: How’s your mother?
Is she still with whats-his-face?

JESUS
Joseph? He’s been dead for, like, two milleniums.

GOD
Really? So is she seeing anybody?

JESUS
I can’t believe I’m related to you.

GOD
You shoulda seen the look on Joey’s face when he found out
your mother was pregnant. Classic!

JESUS
I’ve heard that story like a thousand times.

THE END

Don’t hate me because I’m religious. Another Jesus scene tomorrow.

My name is Ben and this post is blogsphemy.

Jesus of Braggereth

Dudes and lady dudes, let us now take the time to cleanse our collective consciousness of this fallacy: “It ain’t braggin’ if it’s true.”

Uh, yes it is. It’s only bragging if it’s true. Otherwise, it’s called lying, and every religion condemns it. Every religion condemns bragging too, but I think if, say, Jesus, for instance, had maybe spent a little more time bragging he might have saved himself a lot of hardship.

I sense a scene coming on…  

Jesus, before a crowd, pre-crucifixion.

JESUS
Dudes and lady dudes, I beg you to reconsider.
I’m not trying to brag, but I think I bring a lot
to the community. Nazareth was kind of
a mega-drag before I got here. Like network
television will be once cable is invented.

LUKE
I don’t know, Jesus. Your cable TV analogy is pretty
convincing, but we all kind of think this is how
it’s written.

JESUS
That’s what I’m saying: It doesn’t have to be. Think about
it this way: Why am I dying?

CROWD
For the sins of the world .

JESUS
Right. I can die and you guys can go back to living
your boring lives. Or, you could just stop sinning, I stick around
and turn earth into a non-stop Coachella.

MATTHEW
And all we have to do is stop sinning altogether?

JESUS
Not all sins. Just the big stuff. Murder, rape, watching Vin Diesel movies.

MATTHEW
No God would tolerate that.

JOHN
Tell us a little bit about your reform package!

JESUS
Again, I’m not trying to brag, but I think a lot of my work speaks for itself.
Water to wine is just the icing, baby. Get me a bag of flour, I’ll make sure no one
in this town can feel their face. And the walking on water thing? That’s not even a
Messiah thing. I can teach that.

SOME PEOPLE
Jesus brings the party!

OTHER PEOPLE
Free sin for life!

JESUS
In the future there will be a band called Van Halen and they, too, will
decide to sacrifice their leader, David Lee Roth. This will mark the greatest
divide in music history. Many will go with God and DLR, while others will choose
Sammy Hagar, Van Halen, and the devil. Music will never be the same. If you make the
right choice now, perhaps the future will be spared.

PROPHET
I too have seen the future and I know of David Lee Roth. Jesus, you are no David Lee Roth.

JESUS
Okay, that may have been a stretch. But y’all know ain’t no party like a Jesus party.

JUDAS
You’re such a braggart.

JESUS
Hey, dawg, it ain’t braggin’ if it’s true.

PROPHET
In 2009, a blogger named Ben Axelrad will disprove that.

MARK
Perhaps he is the true Messiah. Can he turn one thing into another thing just by touching it?

PROPHET
With only the repeated thrusting of his pelvis he can turn a jello mold into a vagina.

JESUS
That is pretty impressive.

CROWD
All hail Ben Axelrad!

I’m not trying to brag, but this scene is true.

My name is Ben and I am a blogalomaniac.