We’re in a Pickle

(posted by ben axelrad)

I'm With Pickle

In case you haven’t heard, the pickle beat Nickelback. In case you haven’t heard because you don’t know what I’m talking about, a Facebook page was established to see who could reach a million fans first: Canadian cheese rockers Nickelback or a plain ol’ pickle. I guess the pickle winning is great because fuck Nickelback, but now were stuck with this pickle.

Sure, the pickle seems great because it represents seeds of change in a political landscape desperate for soil transplant, but the reality is change cannot be brought about by a single pi…I’m sorry, I’m confusing the pickle with Barrack Obama. Also, who’s Nickleback?

Still, it’d be nice to hear the pickle’s exit strategy for the Middle East.

My name is Ben and I tickle the pickle of blogdom.

Deep Cover

(posted by josh golden)

I’m in. They believe me, but for how long? A part of me died over the past few weeks, but it should be expected that there would be sacrifices, especially when you are infiltrating a notorious white hate syndicate.

“I hate white people” – a facebook group that has struck fear into the hearts of white Americans in the south was founded on one basic principal… to get revenge against the white race for the injustices it has brought upon the other ethnicities of the world… and as a “just for fun inside joke.” Members use the wall to post their cryptic message of hate.

“Fuck white people, Haha, Fuck those stupid racist pieces of shit, haha If I had my way they would all be murdered in the streets, haha.” -Roy

ROY

“Every white person secretly wants to be black, or Hispanic or anything other then white. Haha, Stupid ass white people. Hahahaha.”-Lance

LANCE

Every member is filled with so much hate. Every member laughs at the demise of their white oppressors. Every member… is a white kid from the Illinois suburbs?

HOLD ON!

This is not a hate group at all, is it? This is a post-modern joke using self loathing as a way of trying to drown the guilt that comes with being part of a race that has a history of violence and intolerance, all the while perpetuating white arrogance in the public eye.

Just imagine if you changed one adjective in the group title. Shit would get real, real fast.

My name is Josh, mission terminated, I am gonna go wash off this black-face.

Facebook Doppelganger Week(s)

(posted by t.j. peters)

Lars and his real girl? Nope, it's Doppelganger t.j...and his real girl.

It’s finally here!  Clear your fucking schedules and put a mirror in front of your television set, cause it’s  time to figure out what celebrity you mildly resemble and let the world witness, profile-style!  That’s right!  It’s Facebook Doppelganger Weeeeeeeek!!!

Excuse me?  What do you mean Doppelganger Week already ended? . . .  Well I don’t care, I just fucking heard about it and want to put up a picture of Ryan Gosling from Lars and the Real Girl! . . . Yes, of course I’m growing out my mustache.  I want it to be accurate . . . Oh, whatever, like you make the rules, Mom!  I’m doing it, anyway . . . Yeah, love you, too.  Facebook forever.

It’s true, my mother and I end our telephone conversations with the phrase “Facebook forever”.  It’s an Irish thing.  Sign offs aside, this transcribed conversation brings up a very good point.  When the hell did Doppelganger Week begin and, in turn, when is it supposed to end?  For all I know it started off months ago in Mark Zuckerberg’s parents’ basement (where I assume he still lives despite his estimated two billion dollar net worth), and here I am looking like a boob wearing white after Labor Day, not because I’m not aware of the faux pas, but because I still think it’s fucking August!  We need some organization!  A calendar of some kind!

To iron the whole thing out, I contacted Mark Zuckerberg directly.  Though it took him nearly eight minutes to accept my friend request, he did respond to my query soon thereafter.  The message read:

Dear T.J.,

I’m very sorry for the confusion regarding Doppelganger Week.  I understand how frustrating it can be to sit on your hands while waiting for the internet’s painstakingly inefficient flow of information to travel.  It’s like the Pony Express, am I right?  Please allow me to clear things up.  First off, I’d just like to let you know that I really appreciate you participating in Doppelganger Week 2009, even though you were a little late.  (You DO look like that pervert Ryan Gosling!  OMG!)  It’s users like you that make me rich enough to own two Rolls Royces, yet keep me lame enough to park them in my parents’ driveway.  Looking to the future, I’m sure you’ll be glad to know that Doppelganger Week 2010 is right around the corner!  It officially begins on February 8 (this Monday) and ends at a month to be determined later.  Hope that gets you all caught up!

Facebook Forever,

Mark “Nerd” Zuckerberg

Mark Zuckerberg's profile picture during Doppelganger Week 2008.

My name is t.j. and you’re going to hear about his blog in my status.

Kelly Loves Kelly Loves Kelly

Meet Kelly Hildebrandt. And then also meet Kelly Hildebrandt. They are both named Kelly Hildebrandt and soon they will be Mr. and Mrs. Kelly Hildebrandt. It’s a touching story about two people embarking on a life of utter confusion.

She found him on Facebook one day while searching for other people named Kelly Hildebrandt. While there may be a million fish in the sea there was only one other Kelly Hildebrandt in the search database. Girlfriend snatched him up right quick. They even share a middle name: Coincidence.

The only question remains, will she take his name after marriage. I suggest the hyphenated approach. Kelly Hildebrandt-Hildebrandt. It shows that even though she found her husband by clicking on a shirtless picture of a man with her same name, she is still a liberated woman of substance.

I make jokes because that’s what I do, but more power to ‘em. After a blood test, that is. Given that they share a name and look somewhat similar, you can’t be too careful. People make meaningful connections over arbitrary stuff all the time, be it politics or music or candy or whatever. What’s so different about names? It’s way less strange than Star Trek-themed weddings.

So live long and prosper, Kellies Hildebrandt. But seriously, get that blood test.

My name is Ben and I blogged this for love.

My New Look

I’m experimenting with this new layout and would like to know how you feel. You are the bored fools who will be looking at this page, so tell me what you think. If you guys go all “New Facebook” on me I will revert back to the previous, time-tested design. Will be keeping this new page up at least through Monday, gving you all plenty of time to provide your two cents.

By the end of Monday I hope to have at least eight cents and an easier time deciding on my new look.

Thanks for your input! Enjoy your weekend!