A Night with the Ghost and the Darkness

(posted by t.j. peters)

While reading through my American Way magazine — yes, that’s the in-flight magazine for American Airlines, and yes, I also have subscriptions to Hemispheres (United), Spirit (Southwest), and Morning Calm (Korean Air) — I came across a very interesting article in the “Up Close” section.  If you’re looking through your stack of Way’s right now, pick out the March 1 issue.  It’s on page fifteen.

As described in the article “Night at the Museum (or Zoo. . . or Aquarium)”, apparently many museums, or zoos, or aquariums across the country have started late night and overnight programs designed to create new interest in science and nature amongst adults.  Though it sounds like a noble goal, I see right through their “making education fun” façade, especially in the case of the San Diego Zoo’s “Roar and Snore Sleepover Program”, which is essentially a slumber party on the grounds of the park.  My suspicion of foul intentions inspired me to do a little more research, so I visited the SDZ’s website and read their description of the event.  In one excerpt, it eerily notes:

Start your evening with a’ Journey into Africa’ tour focusing on the fiercest competitors out in the field. Then start stretching, because the race is on! Hope you listened during that tour. . .

Oh how quickly this has become a Tsavo maneaters situation.  Do you see it now?  The San Diego Zoo is luring unknowing men and women to their Wild Animal Park in the dead of night under the guise of “adventure” to race the fiercest competitors they have?! “Roar and Snore” visitors, I hate to say this, but you’re the late night snack at this slumber party.

Here’s the Zoo’s strategy, best I can tell:  Most predatory animals hunt at night, making the daytime patrons safe, so the SDZ devised a plan to get prey in the park at feeding time.  It makes perfect sense.  Have you ever seen a lion at the zoo?  I’m sure you have, and if your experience was anything like mine, he looked something like this:

This animal, like me, is not dangerous between the hours of 8:00 AM and 7:00 PM.

On multiple visits I’ve spent thirty minutes or more at the lion cage waiting for that supposedly savage beast to kill something and this is what I get every time—Lazy Leo sunbathing with his fuzzy balls staring me in the face.  But I guess if I want the real deal, I have to attend the SDZ’s “Roar and Snore (and Have a Lion Rip Your Fucking Face Off) Sleepover Program”. . . so, despite my fears, I will.  As of right now, I’m planning to attend the event on June 26.  Mark your calendars, Poop or Chocolatiers, because from here on out all you can do is prey for the hunters. . .

My name is t.j. and the cost of being eaten by a lion “varies, depending on the program.”