The Laws: Jude and Sacred

(posted by ben axelrad)

I can’t believe another week has passed and I’m out here soap-boxing for SNL again. I haven’t even had time to watch last week’s episode yet, which I realize is sheer blasphemy. It’s like the Pope not having time for Christmas – and not just because Zach Galifianakis looks like a young Santa. Or at least it would be like that if Christmas came twenty times a year for an hour and a half on the weekend. Though, really, wouldn’t that better exemplify the true spirit of Christmas? Whatever, you guys are a bunch of TV Jews. Watch this while I wrap your stupid presents:

Are your eyes scorching from staring directly into the Jude Law? I should’ve warned you. Listen J-Law, I don’t know what passes for handsome in froggy ol’ Britain but in America you need to put a bag over that head. Get over here, I’ve got some extra gift wrap. In this case the wrap is the gift. U-K-L-Y you have got an alibi, you British, you you, you Brit-ish. Let me wrap that mug like it says “WORLD’S GREATEST DADDY.” Looking at you makes my eyeballs long for the soothing relief of pepper spray. You’re the Prince of Walrus. If you were any uglier I’d stop getting a boner every time I look at you. Am I right, my manly mens?!

This picture is horrific.

In news that is true, the magnificent movie MYSTERY TEAM is at the NuArt Theatre in Los Angeles starting today for the next week. Angelinos, go out and support the film sometime between now and next Thursday evening. DERRICK dudes A’ing your Q’s at all evening shows. I’ll be there one night and promise to also A your Q if A’ed at an appropriate T.

My name is Ben and I blogged this.

Answering the Call

I have been asked to speak on Republicans and speak I will. Anonymous poster, if you should grace us with another question or comment please include a name as I prefer to address my constituents by name.

With that bit of business behind us, let’s go to the mailbag.

“could you expound upon republicans? not necessarily those imbibed in the politic, but those earning > 250k and who will likely be severely pissed come 2009.. I just don’t know many, seeing as joe’s six pack and plumber and I are busy getting drunk and springing leaks. Are they nazi’s? good golfers? or would they name their daughters a lexus too?” -Anonymous Poster

I cannot judge the wealthy for their wealth. I don’t know very many people who fall into that income bracket, but some of the ones I do are my friends and family. I like my friends and family. As for the rich sons o’ bitches I don’t know? I don’t know them. I’m not going to generally admonish an entire diverse and prolific people based on my own fallible ideologies. If I’m not mistaken, that’s what the Nazis did. Are you calling me a Nazi?!

Nazi segue!

Let’s address that question: Are Republicans Nazis? No, they most decidedly are not. The Nazi party aimed to rid the world of an entire race of people, and knocked off 6 million of them before they were stopped. If anything, Republicans and their pro-choice reproductive politics look to put more people on the planet. Republicans overvalue life. Nazis thought about 90% of us were dead weight.

Y’see, Hitler was a special breed of evil and it is unfair to his memory to have Nazism besmirched by every gun-totin’, folk-talkin’, gubernatorial closeted lipstick lesbian who reads a little too much into the bible.

Seriously, why haven’t the Neo-Nazis come forward to remind people we don’t need to search for a modern day representation of Nazism. Their name means “New Nazis.”

Think about Hitler (like you weren’t already). He wore a pithy, little straight dark mustache and now no one in the world can ever wear it again. That is evil! What trend is John McCain going to sully? Wearing too small sport jackets? We weren’t going to do that anyway. That ‘stache was pimp! WAS pimp. Not anymore. That’s the Hitler ‘Stache now. He got that Nazi stink all over it.

Just remember, Hitler wouldn’t like a snippy bitch like Sarah Palin any more than you do. But that doesn’t make her a genocidal Jew murderer. Is Dubya a tyrant? Abso-fucking-lutely. But even he’s not a genocidal Jew murderer, And you’ve got to be on par with genocidal Jew murderer to earn the title “Nazi.”

Speaking of par…golf segue!

I got nothing on golf. I will not bore my readers with with even the funniest of golf material. And I have it. The funniest. But I won’t do it.

As for naming your children after expensive automobiles, I’m all for it. For years we have named boats and luxury cars after the people we love most. Why not name a person we love after a luxurious piece of machinery? Why name a boy Bobby when you can name him Mercedes? What does Bobby mean? Nothing. What does Mercedes mean? The highest quality in German design and engineering.

The highest quality in German design and engineering. I think that’s what Hitler wanted.

Reverse segue!

My name is Ben and I call my comments “the mailbag.”