The Laws: Jude and Sacred

(posted by ben axelrad)

I can’t believe another week has passed and I’m out here soap-boxing for SNL again. I haven’t even had time to watch last week’s episode yet, which I realize is sheer blasphemy. It’s like the Pope not having time for Christmas – and not just because Zach Galifianakis looks like a young Santa. Or at least it would be like that if Christmas came twenty times a year for an hour and a half on the weekend. Though, really, wouldn’t that better exemplify the true spirit of Christmas? Whatever, you guys are a bunch of TV Jews. Watch this while I wrap your stupid presents:

Are your eyes scorching from staring directly into the Jude Law? I should’ve warned you. Listen J-Law, I don’t know what passes for handsome in froggy ol’ Britain but in America you need to put a bag over that head. Get over here, I’ve got some extra gift wrap. In this case the wrap is the gift. U-K-L-Y you have got an alibi, you British, you you, you Brit-ish. Let me wrap that mug like it says “WORLD’S GREATEST DADDY.” Looking at you makes my eyeballs long for the soothing relief of pepper spray. You’re the Prince of Walrus. If you were any uglier I’d stop getting a boner every time I look at you. Am I right, my manly mens?!

This picture is horrific.

In news that is true, the magnificent movie MYSTERY TEAM is at the NuArt Theatre in Los Angeles starting today for the next week. Angelinos, go out and support the film sometime between now and next Thursday evening. DERRICK dudes A’ing your Q’s at all evening shows. I’ll be there one night and promise to also A your Q if A’ed at an appropriate T.

My name is Ben and I blogged this.

Things I Found Out I Like

In an attempt to revive the comatose blogger inside of me, I am enforcing a little structure on Poop or Chocolate. Nonchalantly waiting for funspiration is punishing my readers, and I only like to punish my readers by making them read my writing, so this is counterintuitive. From now on, Mondays will be the day I tell you about things I recently found out I liked. These things might take any form: some new; some old; some food; some comedy; some food comedies; some comical foods; some board games (none of them will be board games); some poetry (none of them will be poetry); some homoerotic (all of them will be homoerotic). Across the board really, as long as I liked it…and as long as that board is not part of a game. Board games aren’t homoerotic, they’re flat-out gay.

Penelope - That movie from a few years ago where Christina Ricci plays a girl with a pigface. I resisted it for years, as I have countless other projects aiming to uglify otherwise sexy women. My boner is my friend, and Christina Ricci is his friend. I didn’t want to show my friend something that would make him feel bad about his friend. I finally gave in when Netflix made it instantly watchable, and I must say, nice piece of film-making. And highly masturbatable. Sure, I’m now left to wrestle with the insecurity of knowing that if a pig had Christina Ricci’s ass and titties I might fuck it. But life is all about reassessing moral relativity. And the movie had a cool soundtrack.  

James McAvoy’s American accent – He sounds so cool when he is playing Americans. His natural speaking voice makes him sound like a pussy. He’s the anti-Colin Farrell. You know who always sounds like a pussy? Orlando Bloom. If I needed someone to play a pussy (and who doesn’t?), no matter where he was from, I’d choose Orlando Bloom. If I needed someone to play a dick it would be Jude Law. If I was making a movie about a pussy and a dick I would use…professional pornographers.

Goat Cheese – I was raised to believe that 60% of taste is smell. Goat cheese smells like wet anus. Somehow that other 40% is delicious. And being creamy like something that came out of, again, a wet anus, the texture is rather delightful. What was I doing biting into hard cheeses all these years? Goats are cranking out cultures that massage your esophygus. Well played, Goat! You’re more than just a douchey beard connoisseur; I know that now.

Party Down – That sitcom on Starz! featuring Ken Marino, Martin Starr, Adam Scott and other funny people you are excited to see when they appear in things but never bother to learn the names of. The show is about a group of Hollywood has-beens  and wannabes that work for a party catering company. In the real world they would all lose their jobs. On TV they should gain your attention. Or stream it on Netflix like I did. Kudos again, Netflix.

Netflix ‘Watch Instantly’- I would be remiss to leave this off the list since it “sponsored” this list, save for goat cheese. The problem with Netflix was always the lagtime. I request a movie, 1-3 days later it appears. And when you ran out of movies, well, it was almost as bad as running out of drugs. Jonesing for a Netflix became too much, so I dumped my account. Netflix, I have returned! Now, I have a stack of mailed movies that I never get around to watching. When social phobia finally overtakes me and I stay holed up in my room for a month, Netflix will be my enabler.

That’s it for this week’s edition of ‘Things I found out I like.’ I haven’t decided on themes for the rest of the week, except that Thursdays will be the day I pimp comics I think you should know. Sometimes in interview form.

I’m going to do better. This is my vow. Well, my actual vow to is to keep more vows. This is the test.

My name is Ben and I blogged this.