Drugs are for Losters

(posted by ben axelrad)

Coming at you a day late with my weekly LOST coverage ’cause T.J. hogged the site yesterday with his awesome interview. I’m glad you wrote an excellent post dude, but the rest of us need to use the internet too.

Anyhoo . . . LOST!

Of all the seeming impossibilities made prosaic on LOST, none seems more far-fetched to me than anyone following Hurley anywhere that didn’t have a snack bar or a water bong. Hurley found weed on that island, right? No one could stay that dumb, calm, and hungry without cannabinoids.

Speaking of drugs on the island, I bet after three years people are starting to get pissed all Charlie’s heroine burned up. I would’ve been pissed after three hours. This ain’t NA, bitch, we’re stranded on an inescapable island and you just torched our only artifice of escapism. If I was there this is how it would’ve gone down:

ME
Charlie, did you find heroine?

CHARLIE
Uhhhh…Nooooooo. This isn’t heroine.

ME
Cut the crap, dude. That’s heroine.

CHARLIE
Fine. But don’t tell anyone.

ME
I’m telling EVERYONE. Hey everyone!
Charlie found heroine! Let’s all do heroine.

CHARLIE
They don’t do heroine.

ME
I don’t either. But this is the worst situation
ever and rumor has it that’s the best shit ever.
I think we’ll make an exception.
EVERYONE, COME QUICK!

CHARLIE
Shhhh! You’re going to get me in trouble.
I’m a recovering addict.

ME
Dude, no one cares about your stupid addiction.
One, we only met your junkie ass like a week ago.
And two, we just fucking plane-crashed on an
island they’re NEVER gonna find. You think
Hurley’s counting calories or Shannon’s working
on being less of a giant twat? No.
“Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em,” brother.

CHARLIE
But I had a real problem with the stuff.

ME
Yeah, well you have a few real problems now too.
And most of them won’t get you high as shit.
Try catching a buzz off that homicidal billow of
anthropomorphic black smoke.

CHARLIE
I guess you’re right. Let’s do some heroine.

ME
After this we should try my addiction.

CHARLIE
Oh yeah? What’s that?

ME
Masturbating to tropical polar bears.

CHARLIE
Uh…

ME
Don’t judge me, junkie.

CHARLIE
Fair enough.

ME
This island is magical.

THE END

We all know the island cures everything except death, and apparently heroine addiction. So that means either heroine addiction is as bad as death or the island condones it. I mean, am I wrong? Probably.

Don’t do drugs, kids. Unless you’re stranded with me on an island. Or in a prison. Or at a somewhat long stop light.

My name is Ben and LOST is my drug of choice (as are drugs).