The Most Important Commercial Ever…

(posted by josh golden)

No. Uh Uh. *Folds his arms in protest* Not this time Will-I-Am! You got me once, but I’ll be damned if you fool me again!

I sat silently on my friends’ couch and endured the “Boost Mobile Shuffle” and even faked a chuckle when I saw that Kiss had turned a song they wrote about gratuitous sex thirty years ago into a viable ad for cherry Dr. pepper. Hell, I didn’t even flinch when a picture of Megan Fox acted as an EMP, putting down communication systems and killing people with mind blowing hotness, but then…then this happened.

Yeah that was Charles Manson and Timothy McVey. They even snuck in crafty Osama “The Prestige” Bin Laden, dropped in two major terrorist attacks, the struggle of the civil rights movement, the entire Vietnam War, Hurricane Katrina and Sponge Bob Square Pants. Then you see it, the thing that this has all been leading up to. A tiny portable television!

I get it: If I don’t buy this thing I’ll never be able to experience the often-tragic events that will shape my generation throughout the coming decades. But if you give me a Flo portable TV the only thing I am likely to “Experience” is the first season of True Blood while I sit in the Nordstrom’s shoe department becoming even more disconnected from the world around me thanks to the decadent electronics I love so much.

When it comes down to it I am asking for one simple thing: Do not raid archive.org, just to stir up every emotion, polarizing and uniting your audience only to cap it off with a tiny television. The end does not justify the means.

Also, maybe don’t show the civil rights marches, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King Jr., Rodney King and Barrack Obama before doing a huge reveal of Will-I-am. It’s not the same.

P.S. Flo TV, subliminal frames of possible burning crosses not such a super idea either.

My name is Josh, that is all.

Japanese Poetry Week Continues (And Ends)

I had such a fun time playing with tanka yesterday that today I’m treating us all to a few prose pieces of the haiku variety. You remember haiku from middle school: 5-7-5 syllables. Feel free to count my syllables and call me out on my mistakes. I will gladly admit to them. And then hunt you down. Alright, yo. Haikuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.

Haiku, I’d like to Ride You
Haiku, I’d like to
Take you to a nice supper
Then maybe bed you.

We’ll start with a kiss
Then I will caress your neck
And feel your bosom.

I’ll slip off your dress
Lift you by your sweet round ass
Gently lay you down.

Then I’ll climb on top
Run my hands through your long hair
And massage your skin.

A lover’s embrace
Our bodies pressed together
I’ll penetrate you.

Slowly, lovingly
One syllable at a time
Until you climax.

You Have to Discipline Your Ham Salad
Ham Salad, you make
A better door than window
Sitcho pink ass down.

Watch your tone, Ham Salad
I brought you into this world
I can take you out.

I am serious!
Stop misbehaving at once!
Are you listening?!

Then I have no choice.
It’s too late for sorry now
Get the bread, Ham Salad.

Fruit by the Foot
If I were a girl
Banana in a condom
Would always trump cock.

Slightly under-ripe
Halfway from green to yellow
For added firmness

No small bananas
Only massive ‘nana rods
In both length and girth.

I’d peel off the top
Cause I prefer my fruit cocks
To be circumcised.

The Case of the Missing Cheeto
Hey, Mister, come here.
Where did you get that Cheeto?
It looks just like mine.

Strange coincidence.
Two such similar Cheetos.
No accusation.

I’m sure it is yours
Just looks VERY similar.
Lying sack of shit.

My name is Ben, I am a blogger and a poet.