Brazil’s Chief Export Is Cool Names

Can you identify this man? His name is Lula Da Silva and he is President of Brazil. You could be President of Brazil too if you had a name as cool as Lula Da Silva. Here in America our executive officers have names like Barack Obama and George Washington and Lungbutt Fishfartytrousers. Dumb, boring names. If the next set of wars involve control over the world’s cool names Brazil will be our first target.

Get a load of some of the awesome names in Lula’s cabinet. You know how communication is all gay and everything? Well maybe we wouldn’t feel that way if Helio Costa was in charge of it. You know how justice is a farce and everything? With Tarso Genro as its chief executioner, I think not. And you know how agriculture is all lame and everything? Not with Reinhold Stephanes behind the plow. Now it’s cool as the other side of a cucumber. A cucumber that Reinhold Stephanes farmed. That’s a doubly cool cucumber!

If your Chief of the Civilian Household of the Presidency was Dilma Rousseff maybe…Actually, Dilma Rousseff isn’t a very cool name at all. Is that a man or a woman? And what the hell is a Chief of the Civilian Household of the Presidency? I think that might be a butler. Or head butler. Like, the butler who gets his own butler. Yeah, that’s it. Not a bad gig this Chief of the Civilian Household of the Presidency.

The cool names don’t quit with politics. The NBA has Brazilians like Leandro Barbosa and Nene Hilario. Nene Hilario! If that doesn’t mean hilarious baby then I don’t know Português. By the way, I don’t know Português, even though I was born there. Also, I was not born there, though I visit quite frequently. Except that I’ve never been to Brazil. Big fan of Brazil, Terry Gilliam’s dystopian sci-fi classic. Though, technically, I’ve never seen it. At least not with my eyes. But I got nothing but love for those Brazil nuts. Eat ‘em all the time. What? I do! Are you calling me a liar?! Where is this accusation coming from?!

I’ll leave you with one last name: Fab Melo. He’s the next blue chip basketball prospect from Brazil, slated to attend Syracuse University on scholarship. Rescind the offer, Syracuse, because that name is entirely too cool for school. Even a school with a name as cool as Syracuse. Fab Melo marks the limitations of the cool name rule. The trajectory goes cool name…Cool Name…COOL NAME…carbonated beverage. Fab Melo sounds like a soft drink, and one that Mountain Dew will drive off the market in a single promotional run. So, respectfully, we’re going to decline Fab Melo and his excessively cool name here in America.

Brazil, please send your head butler to come get him.

My name is Ben and I blogged this.