The Most Important Commercial Ever…

(posted by josh golden)

No. Uh Uh. *Folds his arms in protest* Not this time Will-I-Am! You got me once, but I’ll be damned if you fool me again!

I sat silently on my friends’ couch and endured the “Boost Mobile Shuffle” and even faked a chuckle when I saw that Kiss had turned a song they wrote about gratuitous sex thirty years ago into a viable ad for cherry Dr. pepper. Hell, I didn’t even flinch when a picture of Megan Fox acted as an EMP, putting down communication systems and killing people with mind blowing hotness, but then…then this happened.

Yeah that was Charles Manson and Timothy McVey. They even snuck in crafty Osama “The Prestige” Bin Laden, dropped in two major terrorist attacks, the struggle of the civil rights movement, the entire Vietnam War, Hurricane Katrina and Sponge Bob Square Pants. Then you see it, the thing that this has all been leading up to. A tiny portable television!

I get it: If I don’t buy this thing I’ll never be able to experience the often-tragic events that will shape my generation throughout the coming decades. But if you give me a Flo portable TV the only thing I am likely to “Experience” is the first season of True Blood while I sit in the Nordstrom’s shoe department becoming even more disconnected from the world around me thanks to the decadent electronics I love so much.

When it comes down to it I am asking for one simple thing: Do not raid archive.org, just to stir up every emotion, polarizing and uniting your audience only to cap it off with a tiny television. The end does not justify the means.

Also, maybe don’t show the civil rights marches, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King Jr., Rodney King and Barrack Obama before doing a huge reveal of Will-I-am. It’s not the same.

P.S. Flo TV, subliminal frames of possible burning crosses not such a super idea either.

My name is Josh, that is all.

Talk Show Time 5

It’s been awhile since we did a fake talk show around here. Let’s change that.

Every once in awhile I do not rent a television studio, do not set up any lights or cameras, and do not interview a prominent celebrity. This is the transcript of everything that did not happen. Please pretend it did. Names have been changed to protect the celebrities I’ve never met.

BEN
Today’s guest is film star and hottie du jour Maggie Wolf,
known for her roles in the mega-blockbuster FormerTrannies saga
and the recent horror film Jessica’s Pussy. Thanks so much
for joining us, Maggie.

MAGGIE WOLF
It’s my pleasure.

BEN
Maggie, you’re a young, sexy, bi-sexual girl in this era of unbridled friskiness.
It must be fun being a slut.

MAGGIE WOLF
I am NOT a slut.

BEN
I was trying to be colloquial. Like, I’m all “What’s up, slut?”
and then you’re like, “Nothing, betch.” And then we get smoothies.
Did I say it wrong?

MAGGIE WOLF
I don’t know. But I’m not a slut.

BEN
Again, I apologize. I only meant to say you enjoy the company of many
uncommitted partners. Male and female.

MAGGIE WOLF
That’s not true. I don’t have a serious boyfriend or girlfriend,
but I’m not going out having all my holes plugged on a nightly basis.

BEN
Of course not. Not ALL of them. And not EVERY night.
But a few of them on a few nights.

MAGGIE WOLF
No! Where did you get this information?

BEN
My friend Jerry. And Jerry is known to be right about such matters.

MAGGIE WOLF
Well he’s wrong this time.

BEN
I don’t know, Maggie. Am I going to take the word of my
good friend Jerry who has never steered me wrong – aside
from the time he literally steered me wrong, drunk, in a car,
through an appliance store – or from a known slut whose
been nothing but argumentative since she got here?
It’s a no-brainer, Maggie.

MAGGIE WOLF
You think I’m a worse source of information about me than
a drunk driver I’ve never met named Jerry. Seems reasonable.

BEN
All I’m saying is you should treat your body like a temple.
And by that I mean a place only Jews should enter
while wearing a funny hat. A little bit of humor.

MAGGIE WOLF
Ahhhh.

BEN
You see, I’m saying you should only let Jews wearing
condoms put their penises in your vagina.

MAGGIE WOLF
Funny. And made more so by the explanation.

BEN
Moving on. You probably didn’t understand the joke.
But if we stopped for everything you don’t
understand we might be here all day.

MAGGIE WOLF
I’m not stupid.

BEN
Of course you’re not, dear.

MAGGIE WOLF
You’re making the assumption that a sex symbol
can’t also represent herself substantively.

BEN
Yes, I am doing that. Though I’m not sure it’s still
an assumption when it’s also true.

MAGGIE WOLF
It’s not true.

BEN
Says the stupid slutty sex symbol.

MAGGIE WOLF
Ugh. Will you at least start asking questions?

BEN
You’re right. Let’s get to the questions. Here’s one for the
seafood lover in you…

MAGGIE WOLF
Great. Seafood – like eating vagina? Because I’m bi-sexual?
That’s really rich. I can’t believe I agreed to this.

BEN
Actually, it was a question about Red Lobster vs. Long John Silver.
I had read you enjoy clam bakes.

MAGGIE WOLF
I’m sorry for flying off the handle. I should’ve given you the benefit of the doubt.
I do enjoy clam ba….

BEN
Because you’re a WEEDHEAD! Burned you, Maggie Wolf.

MAGGIE WOLF
This interview is over.

BEN
What? No! Give me one more question. Please, I’m begging you!

MAGGIE WOLF
Fine, one more. But make it quick. And it better be thoughtful.

BEN
Believe me, thought has everything to do with it.
Your boobies, do they bounce when you think?

MAGGIE WOLF
That’s your thoughtful question?

BEN
What? I read about it in a popular publication.

MAGGIE WOLF
What popular publication?

BEN
It may have just been a general hypothesis I heard stated around town?

MAGGIE WOLF
What town?

BEN
Come to think of it, it was a question
sent in by a viewer.

MAGGIE WOLF
Who is this viewer?

BEN
Me.

MAGGIE WOLF
I’m leaving.

BEN
I see how it is, Maggie. Questions are getting a bit too heady for you?

MAGGIE WOLF
Yeah, your questions are too heady. Are you aware
your pants are on inside out? How is that even possible.

BEN
It’s, uh, the new style.

MAGGIE WOLF
Whatever. You’re a moron.

BEN
Well, that’s our show for tonight. I’d like to thank that
dirty pothead slut Maggie Wolf for stopping by.
Wasn’t she a breath of fresh air…out the butt.
You see, I’m saying she was like a fart. I’m funny damnit.

I won’t go so far as to say I’ll be back with another one of these next week, but soon. I can stick to “soon.”

My name is Ben and I blogged this.

Return of the Saturday Night Shut-In

I’m geeked! SNL (SNL = Saturday Night Live) returns tomorrow night, just in time to save me from myself. (SNL = Sad N’ Lonely?) Megan Fox is the host, which, sexually, means SNL will give you a boner and, comically, means your boner might be asleep my 11:45.

Fox is hosting in promotion of her new movie, Jennifer’s Body. The movie that takes girls that look like this:

And makes them look like this:

Interesting choice. I caught ten minutes or so yesterday while waiting for a twosie to brewsie after G.I Joe. I want my eleven minutes back. It was playing in the largest theater, a multi-level auditorium with enlarged screen and enhanced features. I was the only one in attendance. I could’ve whipped out my you-know-what and did you-also-know-what to it…if there was anything worth you-know-whating to. There wasn’t. Just the sexiest women alive drenched in blood, ooze, and shitty dialogue. Here’s an example of the third.

But enough about that horror (of a) movie; this is a comedy blog and an SNL post. u2 is the musical guest, certain to rivet you with the performance and bore you when you subsequently download whatever mediocre song they play. It’s like the musical equivalent to trick photography. I wish I knew how they did it.

So Megan Fox and U2, not exactly the chocolate and peanut butter of performer pairings. But it doesn’t matter, because SNL is back and they can do no wrong!

SNL, which, to this guy, stands for Super Neat Life. Oh no. I think I’ve become unfuckable.

My name is Ben and I blogged this.

100 Days in DC

You might’ve heard me mention Derrick Comedy once or thrice on this site. They are the DIY comedy quintet behind online videos with millions of viewings and this fall’s much-anticipated comedy-mystery…comystery…comysterdy…comedystery (I just coined all those terms, thank you very little), Mystery Team, which I have seen and highly recommend.

I don’t want to strangle you with the Derrick plug, it’s just that they keep doing cool things and I keep running out of non-Derrick-related cool things to talk about. And even if I wasn’t fishing for material I would consider myself obligated to inform you of Ham Fisted Theatrics, the blog by Derrick Comedian DC Pierson. DC is taking the literate, not-that-fascinated-by-Megan-Fox’s-cameltoe blog world by storm with this more-than-ambitious blog-chronicling of his first 100 days in Los Angeles, having recently transplanted himself from the NYC.

I say “more-than-ambitious” because I myself once vowed to write one of these blog things everyday…and we all know how that turned out. I’m phoning it in every other day at best. I mean, look, I’m writing a blog telling you to read another guy’s blog. Despite my laziness, you really should read his hard work. He’s an extra-talented storyteller and a wiz of a wordsmith in a time when most of the internet has been reduced to acronyms and phonetically-misspelled half-sentences.

In particular, check out the June 3rd post about leaving New York. It will make you want to move to New York just to laugh and cry as you leave it.

In non-Derrick news not worthy of its own post, two rental companies started following my Twitter page today. I can only hope that my semi-monthly fat-girl-on-Prom-Night Tweets help someone find the apartment of their dreams.

My name is Ben and I somethinged this.