The Winter Olympics of My Discontent
(posted by ben axelrad)
The Olympics, they're everywhere you wanna be.
A few thousand years into civilization here is what we’ve learned: You can pair two totally awesome things like sex and the petting zoos and what comes out won’t necessarily be awesome in composite. But if you join together two totally awful things like winter and the Olympics the combined result will be extraordinarily awful every time. World, prepare for that very double-dose of awful.
Look, my problem isn’t with pasty white people putzing around on pasty white surfaces. It’s with NBC for putting it on television. NBC is skating on thin ice already (pun intended). Now they wanna take away the Thursday Night Lineup for the rest of February to air around-the-clock coverage of fully-clothed Scandinavians applying lip balm at high altitudes? If I want to see that I’ll visit a Norwegian burn unit. Hopefully as a burn victim, because I’d like to believe the version of me that wants to see that would also like to light his face on fire.
I know there are people out there who disagree with me; maybe one of you will even chime in with comment. Should that be the case, allow me to preemptively respond to those arguments: You’re evil. Pure, unadulterated evil. But thanks for the comment.
My name is Ben and TV tells me what day it is.
The Days of the Math
Tuesday I re-posted the shit out of Conan. Thursday I spouted off about Twilight. Add ‘em up and you get a re-post of Conan spouting off about Twilight on Friday. Tuesday + Thursday = Friday: It’s the Conangorean theorem. That’s what we in the business refer to as a sheep joke: It’s baaaaaaaaad. That was also a sheep joke. Now here’s a wolf joke:
Conan, you’ve saved me from having to write jokes once again. Luckily I’ve got Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Jason Sudeikis to do the remainder of the heavy lifting with this week’s SNL preview. I love this being lazy with the joke writing thing. If idle hands are the devil’s plaything then Miss Mary Mack these mitts, Satan! While we do that, you watch this:
If it wasn’t for NBC this post would be shorter than Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Love his work, just didn’t realize the greatest trick he ever pulled was convincing the world he’s not a midget. And I thought he was good on 3rd Rock! Another joke courtesy of NBC.
Wait a minute: Was JG-L a child actor back then or a midget playing young? Let it go, blogger. This investigation leads nowhere good.
My name is Ben and I blogged this.
Repost Tuesdays: TV + DC = DERRICK COMEDY
I was going to re-post snippets from NBC’s “Community” and ABC’s “Modern Family,” encouraging you to watch them before you fall too far behind. Unfortunately, I can’t post video to the site currently, which actually may be fortunate because these shows merit watching from start to finish. So I’ll tell you what I had planned on showing you: Watch them before you fall too far behind. Go do that voodoo that Hulu does well. Those links are there for a reason, and it isn’t to add a splash of color. THIS SITE SEES NO COLOR! NOW CLICK ‘EM! Cause they can’t click theyselves.
Both of these shows nail the 3 S’es of great comedy: They’re Smart, Sweet, and Laugh-Out-Loud Funny. The 3 S’es. My peeps whose already down with “Community,” know what I’m talking about. Watching Abed’s student film from episode 3 was the fastest I’ve ever gone from laughing to crying without taking a SuperBall to the nutsack. Man, those round pieces of rubber take some fast, unexpected turns. Ouchie! I can’t think of a perfect example from “Modern Family,” (the Lion King part from the pilot maybe?) but those down-ass peeps is feelin’ me, too!
But it’s still re-post Tuesday, so I need to throw together something more than just words of encouragement regarding your television viewing habits. Luckily, our interview buddy DC Pierson’s blog today featured prose worthy of reprise. This passage is my favorite, however YOU WILL do yourself the service of reading the whole thing.
That last line is some straight-up Mark Twain shit. I haven’t taken the time to decide if I agree with it; I accept it on turn-of-phrase alone. It’s the sentence equivalent to a swimsuit model’s body or an Alan Dershowitz defense: Too well put-together to argue with. Btw, I highlighted it. DC doesn’t highlight sections of his own text.
Also, while doing my due diligence for the diligent dudes (and dudette…do people still say dudette?) in DERRICK, you can check out the all new Mystery Team site here, DEMAND IT the movie in your town here, and pre-order DC’s novel here. Plus, DERRICK’s own Donald Glover is one of the stars of “Community,” so watching that supports them, too. You really can’t throw a rock at something entertaining in this town without hitting someone from DERRICK COMEDY. And while we’re on the subject, stop throwing rocks, especially at things that are entertaining you. It’s just a thought.
My name is Ben and I blogged this.
Our Friend Is Back!
If this next statement makes me sound like a lame-butt or a dumb-face or a super-stooge, c’est la vie, as they say in gibberish: It’s nice having new TV back.
‘C’est la vie’ is from France? Really? Fine, they speak gibberish in froggy old France. I always thought they spoke French. Or Froggy. We’re getting off-subject.
Did THAT statement make me sound like a lame-butt or a dumb-face or a super-stooge? I SAID OFF-SUBJECT!
Apparently a lot of shows came back last night: Several seasons of Survivor; Survivorman; a couple Big Brothers; a Little Sister or two; Fringe. Lots of stuff. My evening was dominated by NBC’s now-legendary Thursday night lineup. Parks & Recreation’s second season started auspiciously, after a pretty underwhelming short first season. The Office got off to a great start. And Community had about as smooth a series premiere as I can remember. So smooth that at one point I questioned whether I had missed the first episode or five minutes of this one. I was impressed, and that’s hard to do without having me pull your finger.
The low point of the night (still pretty high (which is not a weed reference, but if you read it as such you wouldn’t be wrong exactly)) came from an unsuspected source. Saturday Night Live Weekend Update Thursday is a show I should love. I love SNL. I love SNA (Seth N’ Amy). I love Weekend Update. But I don’t love this show. I don’t really understand it.
Problem 1: The name, Saturday Night Live Weekend Update Thursday, makes about as much sense as vegetarian meatballs.You can’t have a weekend update on a Thursday. At best you can have a weekend preview. Or a Wednesday update. But no one would watch Saturday Night Live Wednesday Update Thursday. Unless it was on a Tuesday. Because that would be a live sooth-saying show. And the confusion would merit further investigation.
Problem 2: They’re going to run out of updates. Last year, during the climax of the most important presidential election in ages, it made sense affording additional time to the fake news. The Daily Show with Jon Stewart was making a killing off their Indecision 2008 programming and NBC wanted a piece of that parody pie. But now, there’s no more pie. NBC, stop coming back for pie. Parody or otherwise. I like peach.
Problem 3: The length. SNL has been doing Weekend Updates for 35 years now. We’re starting to get used to the formula. If I wanted a whole broadcast of the news, I’d watch…the news. Weekend Update works for about ten minutes and I love it the same way I love Hot Pockets: For it’s size, expedience, and hilariousness. We’ve been conditioned to believe ten minutes is the maximum amount of update we can handle on a weekend. You can’t ask us to stick around for an additional twenty minutes anymore than you can tell us, “You can’t rush a Hot Pocket.”
This being said, I’ll still tune in to the Update Desk next Thursday. And then again two days later for another update on the premiere of SATURDAY Night Live. I LOVE SNL, it is probably the only thing I am sentimental or nostalgic about, but I worry for it. SNL fell out of favor once by drudging every bit of humor from ideas best left to brevity while over-saturating the market with themselves.
I guess I should just be happy for the continued success of this thing I love. Still, I worry. C’est la vie, I suppose. Which apparently is French for ‘gibberish.’
My name is Ben and I blogged this.
Never Doubt Me
I told you this was The Year of Aziz! If you haven’t seen him do stand-up recently (or ever) then you probably don’t know who Cousin Harris is. You poor, lost soul. Let me take you in and nourish you with warm funny:
That’s just the tip of the Harris iceburg. The Cousin Harris material was easily my favorite of 2008. But this post isn’t actually about Harris. No, Harris has an older brother named Darwish, and Darwish has engaged one of rap’s largest luminaries in a battle of words. Aziz documents it on his blog. This is must-read:
DARWISH VS. KANYE
What happens when one of hip hop’s greatest and some silly little Indian kid from Georgia go head to head in an email/IM battle?
My little cousin Darwish, brother of Harris (whom someone of you may know from my standup) is quickly catching up to Harris in terms of ridiculousness. Last week, he finally discovered Kanye West’s music and went nuts. He started a firing off a ton of IMs:
Dar: Aziz
Dar: Kanye West is ridiculous
Dar: HAVE YOU EVER HEARD AMAZING???
Dar: IT REALLY IS AMAZING
Aziz: Yeah, he’s great right?
Dar: when he goes around bragging
Dar: now I know why
Dar: wow
Dar: JUST WOW
10 minutes later…
Dar: aziz I think this is like the 10th time ive listened to amazing in a row
Dar: i was just like browsing and I found it it
Dar: and boom! my head was just auto bobbing
Aziz: go download Flashing Lights, that’s probably my favorite Kanye song
Dar: who’s someone else good?
Aziz: You ever listened to any Wu Tang?
Dar: no but i’ve heard of him
Dar: he raps a lot about karate right?
Kanye knows of Harris and Darwish through my standup so I emailed him Darwish’s IMs.
Kanye responded:
woooow! new fans yeeeessss!!!! more people that don’t hate me
BUT 10 minutes later I received this from Darwish…
To read more click on this link.
Just a taste. It’s his post, if you want to read more you have to do it at his site. I am many things, sir, but one of them is NOT a blog jacker. Black jogger, yes. Blog jacker, no. I can see how you got confused.
And don’t forget, Aziz co-stars in the new NBC comedy Parks and Recreation starting next Thursday at 8:30. I will remind you again next week, because that’s what I do. I’m like your comedy administrative assistant. You have a comedy video conference call with Amy Poehler and Aziz Ansari booked for next Thursday at 8:30pm in the NBC room. Do try to be prompt.
My name is Ben and this Ansari fella owes my blog an advertising thank you.
My Name is Ben
