(posted by josh golden)
Growing up with ADD you learn one thing: Nothing. That is, unless it’s coming from your television. I used to sit studying (watching) the history channel for hours, and trust me that shit paid off. I was building Civil War replica cannons out of moldy firewood in my backyard before I was ten. The Battle of Bull Run? That shit was my jam.
I used to be so smart, but ever since I got rid of my cable I feel stupid. Panicked, I run to the nearest sports bar and demand their remote. I turn to my old friend the History Channel praying that I can make up for all that lost time, and this is what I see:
Apparently the history channel also lost their cable subscription because they have gone straight retarded. Why are Ben and Jerry on a sailboat on the surface of the sun? That is not history. That never happened and I promise that it never will, which makes it fantasy. Put it on the damn Sci-fi channel. Betrayed, I check my listings, and I see it: Axe Men, Jurassic Fight Club, Pawn Star, and a show actually called Dogfights. The History Channel has run out of history!
Deforestation is far from history; the first rule of Jurassic fight club is, it never fucking happened; pawnshops are where history is turned into drug money; and dogfights … dogfights?
I feel sorry for the kids that so eagerly entrust their brains to the History Channel today, only to be stabbed right in the chest by a horrible bloated stoner who values education less then he does setting aside a decent budget for green screening a sailboat on the sun.
When I was a kid, the History Channel looked like this:
And you knew you could trust him.
My name is Josh “Fort Sumter” Golden, signing off.