The Laws: Jude and Sacred

(posted by ben axelrad)

I can’t believe another week has passed and I’m out here soap-boxing for SNL again. I haven’t even had time to watch last week’s episode yet, which I realize is sheer blasphemy. It’s like the Pope not having time for Christmas – and not just because Zach Galifianakis looks like a young Santa. Or at least it would be like that if Christmas came twenty times a year for an hour and a half on the weekend. Though, really, wouldn’t that better exemplify the true spirit of Christmas? Whatever, you guys are a bunch of TV Jews. Watch this while I wrap your stupid presents:

Are your eyes scorching from staring directly into the Jude Law? I should’ve warned you. Listen J-Law, I don’t know what passes for handsome in froggy ol’ Britain but in America you need to put a bag over that head. Get over here, I’ve got some extra gift wrap. In this case the wrap is the gift. U-K-L-Y you have got an alibi, you British, you you, you Brit-ish. Let me wrap that mug like it says “WORLD’S GREATEST DADDY.” Looking at you makes my eyeballs long for the soothing relief of pepper spray. You’re the Prince of Walrus. If you were any uglier I’d stop getting a boner every time I look at you. Am I right, my manly mens?!

This picture is horrific.

In news that is true, the magnificent movie MYSTERY TEAM is at the NuArt Theatre in Los Angeles starting today for the next week. Angelinos, go out and support the film sometime between now and next Thursday evening. DERRICK dudes A’ing your Q’s at all evening shows. I’ll be there one night and promise to also A your Q if A’ed at an appropriate T.

My name is Ben and I blogged this.

Lost & Found

SPOILER ALERT! LAST NIGHT’S LOST! TURN BACK YE WHO HATH NOT WITNESSED!

It makes too much sense. Never in five years of Lost have I felt more confident I understand what’s going on. Which, of course, means I probably know less than ever. I have conceded this because, on Lost, confidence is a confidence killer. No show on television utilizes the ‘always calmest before the storm’ tactic better.

For the first time ever, predicting the direction of Lost seems as simple as choosing a direction. Either our protags have been dumped in 1977 to create or recreate the future. Signs point to both, which means it will probably be neither. We all decide it’s either regular, old apples or oranges, Lost then delivers a supernatural, time-travelling banana.

We are due for a Richard Alpert episode very soon. Eloise and Charles will probably share an episode. Sayid in the jungle. Sayid in the jungle may not actually happen (I’ll still keep my man-crush boner close), since it doesn’t appear much happened to him there. And with Sayid, they can always just tell us he blended into the forest as a tree for like two weeks and we’d have to believe it. It’s mu’fuckin’ Sayid!

Every season of Lost has had a different theme. I’ll list them:

Season 1 – Lost (Plane)
Season 2 – Lost (On the Island)
Season 3 – Lost (In the World)
Season 4 – Lost (Island)

Season 5, obviously, has been Lost (In Time). Back in January, when this whole time-twist started, I must admit I was skeptical. But I think they have really pulled it off. My one objection is, according to Season 5 logic, Charlotte was like five to ten years older than Miles. There’s no ways that’s true. Even discounting this minor concern, the Charlotte character was rather useless. And the speech Farraday gave her as a child would’ve given me pedophile nightmares for a year. If their goal was to make Daniel as creepy as possible before killing him, they succeeded.

I knew they were going to kill Farraday early in that episode because of a very easy tell that Lost uses: You always know a character’s days are numbered when they start telling everything that they know. This is television, no one can die with a secret. So if it seems like a character is saying an awful lot, it’s probably the last time they will say anything. Farraday explained his purpose and the Lost-espoused theory behind time travel, and then he was no longer needed.

Time travel isn’t a science, it’s a theory. Lost imparted a theory and has been ironclad sticking to it. One can argue with their postulate, but come on “One!” This is Lost, not Carl Sagan’s Cosmos. It’s pretty heady stuff for pop television. And since nobody else has the answer to this absolute hypothetical, all Lost is responsible for is consistency.

I am pleased to say this season has been remarkably consistent. So consistent, in fact, that dumb lugs like me think we have the pattern figured out.  This is exactly where Lost wants us. I feel like one of the Others right now: Certain I have finally been leveled with, unknowingly on a mission to kill Jacob. It’s better this way. If I ever actually figured out the show it might feel like finding out Santa isn’t real. Sorry, y’all. I probably should’ve put a spoiler alert on that Santa thing.

My name is Ben and I am lost in blog.