What Season Be We Tizzing?

Over the short duration of one drink and two cigarettes at the bar last night I was fortunate enough to overhear two conversations from two separate parties in which one man was marveling at how many holiday cookies he’d eaten while another man from the second party bespoke a desire to “kill” his wife. These conversations would remain isolated from each other were it not for the identical response offered to both: “Tis the season.”

What fucking season is this that leaves us fat and homicidal and has the audacity to act like it’s normal?!?!

According to the song, “Tis the season to be jolly,” but wanting to kill your wife, literally or figuratively, doesn’t sound that jolly. We’re supposed to be jolly because it’s Christmastime, but I’m pretty sure Christmas had a lot to do with other guy binge eating. They call it Christmas because we celebrate the birth of Christ, but judging by the epic movies being released and the major sporting events being played, Jesus won’t even be the biggest draw on his own day.

So I ask again: What fucking ‘season’ is this?!

Tis the season of giving, but no one has the resources with which to give. Tis the season to reunite with loved ones, but Mother Nature makes travel hectic and costly and annoying and dangerous. Tis the season for forgiveness, but how can we do that when we’re so fat and homicidal?

The truth? This season is torture culminating in a single day of bliss. Whether you’re Christian or not, this time of year centers around Christmas. Also, whether you’re Christian or not, Christmas is not about Jesus. It’s about you suffering so that other people can smile; for everyone. So when Christmas day finally arrives and we are with our families, smiling at their suffering over a meal before the twilight showing of Sherlock Holmes, we’ll feel a reprieve from the torture and call it bliss. Because when you’ve been tortured, the mere cessation of torture IS bliss.

Speaking of torture, you should’ve heard some of the things that one dude wanted to do to his wife. ‘Tis the season’ be damned, that guy needs therapy!

My name is Ben and I blogged this.